deepundergroundpoetry.com
p u d d l e
tonight before leaving me alone
funny thing she called
herself
puddle
like
a velvet petticoat
falling in a fluid shimmer
a dervish swirling crashing
euphoric entranced
or little children filling
tiny plastic cups with fresh mud
on the lone road
puddle
or random smiles
bursting in strange places
telling teasing exciting
spikes of all things
associated with
youth attraction
romance love
puddle
like a virgin boy
discovering sex
over the phone by
asking his girl to
describe her body
only to find
in the morning
a tiny lake
of loss and gain
clear
oceanic
dead
puddle
or that time
her water broke
viscous warm
gushing
puddle
tonight she is one
flesh blood electricity
smile blush half thoughts
absentmindedness
thoughts dreams
silence fear
questions
answers
puddle
Published 3rd Jul 2012
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 7
reading list entries 1
comments 12
reads 1048
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
3rd Jul 2012 7:43am
Well, Sumeet,
some really good lines in this one and the puddle repetition glues it all superbly.
"like a virgin boy
discovering sex
over the phone by
asking his girl
to describe her body
only to find
in the morning
a tiny lake
of loss and gain"
I found this a great little philosophical chunk, made me smile too.
I know it's minimalist, but I believe a few comas where you listed words side by side would be good so they're not being read as an out of context sentence, but that's just my little nit-pick.
All in all, nice work dude.
some really good lines in this one and the puddle repetition glues it all superbly.
"like a virgin boy
discovering sex
over the phone by
asking his girl
to describe her body
only to find
in the morning
a tiny lake
of loss and gain"
I found this a great little philosophical chunk, made me smile too.
I know it's minimalist, but I believe a few comas where you listed words side by side would be good so they're not being read as an out of context sentence, but that's just my little nit-pick.
All in all, nice work dude.
3rd Jul 2012 7:57am
Mr A
glad to see you here.:)
This was an impulse which was a result of
a personal experience. Once I posted the
realization dawned on me that it has actually
crept up. Well, here we are. I am gld it could
bring a smile. Ah, yes philosophy too.:)
I understand your point and I have infact
used commas and dashes in the past. I will
have to think a little on it as my last many
poems have been minimalist works sans punctuation
and I have got complaints from the well wishers
regarding the listed words. Thank you for bringing
it up.
Regards,
Sumeet
glad to see you here.:)
This was an impulse which was a result of
a personal experience. Once I posted the
realization dawned on me that it has actually
crept up. Well, here we are. I am gld it could
bring a smile. Ah, yes philosophy too.:)
I understand your point and I have infact
used commas and dashes in the past. I will
have to think a little on it as my last many
poems have been minimalist works sans punctuation
and I have got complaints from the well wishers
regarding the listed words. Thank you for bringing
it up.
Regards,
Sumeet
7th Jul 2012 7:06am
7th Jul 2012 3:03pm
lastnamegray
well that's fine. really. i dont know what else
to say to that. :] thanks for stopping by.
sumeet
well that's fine. really. i dont know what else
to say to that. :] thanks for stopping by.
sumeet
Anonymous
3rd Jul 2012 2:23pm
"or random smiles
bursting in strange places
telling teasing exciting
spikes of all things
associated with
youth attraction
romance love"
This to me says it all :)
I have really enjoyed this read Sumeet
the word "Puddle" has never been put quite so intimate as here :)
The sensual tone was beautiful
bursting in strange places
telling teasing exciting
spikes of all things
associated with
youth attraction
romance love"
This to me says it all :)
I have really enjoyed this read Sumeet
the word "Puddle" has never been put quite so intimate as here :)
The sensual tone was beautiful
3rd Jul 2012 2:38pm
milkyway
thank you m' dear.:) that stanza was in a way
was important for me. so glad it had the effect.
intimacy is good. makes me happy.
always a pleasure to have you here.
smiles and warmth,
sumeet
thank you m' dear.:) that stanza was in a way
was important for me. so glad it had the effect.
intimacy is good. makes me happy.
always a pleasure to have you here.
smiles and warmth,
sumeet
4th Jul 2012 11:06am
I love the idea of a person being a reflection of life. Got me thinking about how maybe in a way you only exist as a person insofar as another persons reflection of you allows. Which reminds me in a round-about way of an idea in a book I read recently (think it had something to do with Wittgenstein's theory on language) which said all that really exists of a life is what can be said about it. And I've probably read it different to how you intended, and gone off on tangents, but I really liked how your poem got me thinking about all that.
I think that those three words 'clear/oceanic/dead' and the terrifying, blank expanse they portray follow after those few verses on youth and coming-of-age, contrast hope and death/defeat in this brilliant subtle way.
I think that those three words 'clear/oceanic/dead' and the terrifying, blank expanse they portray follow after those few verses on youth and coming-of-age, contrast hope and death/defeat in this brilliant subtle way.
6th Jul 2012 7:04pm
m'
it actually took me sometime to connect the dots and when i did it was more beautiful than i could ever express. so thank you. i would LOVE to discuss this idea/thought. but then i ramble plenty.:)
and no, you have read it apt. strangely close. i loved this tangent. this is priceless.
so thank you, again. :) you are a trip of truth.
in awe,
sumeet
it actually took me sometime to connect the dots and when i did it was more beautiful than i could ever express. so thank you. i would LOVE to discuss this idea/thought. but then i ramble plenty.:)
and no, you have read it apt. strangely close. i loved this tangent. this is priceless.
so thank you, again. :) you are a trip of truth.
in awe,
sumeet
5th Jul 2012 8:52am
I loved the flashes, like vignettes, images of what she could mean and actually does, tied together by life itself, experiences put in motion like some old animation. The pregnant woman's water breaking made an impact on me, like she was glimpsing into her possible future... her futures. Maybe there was one in there she liked best. Great read, friend.
6th Jul 2012 6:52pm
ptm
that's a very beautiful deconstruction.:)
you have added so many layers to it that
it looks alive now. water breaking is in
so many ways special.so yes i could not
agree more. probably yes. [you are right]
thank you for this beautiful dream of a feedback.
such a heartwarming moment.
x
sumeet
that's a very beautiful deconstruction.:)
you have added so many layers to it that
it looks alive now. water breaking is in
so many ways special.so yes i could not
agree more. probably yes. [you are right]
thank you for this beautiful dream of a feedback.
such a heartwarming moment.
x
sumeet
Sumeet,
may be I am late to comment this thread,
but something different from ur other writes seen here.
simple-raw-minimal-sensual-artfully emphatic( the deduced puddle once and again in various sequences..with those careful spaces!)
n many unseen curves to it.
just perfect n liked these lines esp.
or little children filling
tiny plastic cups with fresh mud
on the lone road
thnxx fr the read.
uma
may be I am late to comment this thread,
but something different from ur other writes seen here.
simple-raw-minimal-sensual-artfully emphatic( the deduced puddle once and again in various sequences..with those careful spaces!)
n many unseen curves to it.
just perfect n liked these lines esp.
or little children filling
tiny plastic cups with fresh mud
on the lone road
thnxx fr the read.
uma
11th Jul 2012 00:10am
Uma
Thank you for stopping by.
No you are not late. Its never late.
It is different, yes. Trying to
find my calling. You know.:]
Glad it had the effect.
Light,
Sumeet
Thank you for stopping by.
No you are not late. Its never late.
It is different, yes. Trying to
find my calling. You know.:]
Glad it had the effect.
Light,
Sumeet
