Lies

Left alone in this dark room again,
The single bulb swings from the ceiling, suspended by a single cord.
I'm all alone again- in this empty, dark room.
I'm crying in the corner of this empty, dark room.
But I'm not truly alone. It's a struggle.
With myself,
And I'm losing.
This pain is inside.  
It makes me feel empty.
Hollow.
These tears pool around me.
I'm drowning in them.
Tears of sadness, bitterness, anger, hatred
For whom? Me? No, I don't even deserve my own pity.
I'm lost.
I know I have a heart- because it's broken.
It's no one's fault though, just mine.
Because I let it get to me every time.
When they hold hands,
Or share an inside joke,
Or cuddle, and hug,
Kiss in public,
Make plans for dinner..
Share a romantic moment.
Everyone falls in love?
There's someone out there for me?
I'll fall in love one day and be happy?
BULLSHIT.
Fairies aren't real.
Trust is a lie.
Victory has no taste.
But defeat is bitter.
It's not lonely at the top of the pyramid, it's where all your haters live.
And. She. Never. Loved. Me.
I was just a tool to provide what everyone else knew better than to give her.
I know better now. I'm smarter.  
5 months is plenty of time to screw my head on straight and realize what a really meant to her.
Nothing.
I mean nothing o everyone.
You know why?
Me either.
But I'm done caring, and I'm done trying to get over it, or move on.  
I'm just going to crawl under it and hope the weight of it crushes what's left of my heart.
True love is a lie. Not a game. Not an inevitable ending to a wild and satisfying youth.
It's as big a lie as anyone who ever called "friend," or "buddy," or-
You know what-
Fuck it, YOLO.
Who give's a shit? Not you.  
Why are you even reading this? Why am I writing it? Is it supposed to make me feel better or something?
The only truth is that I'm scared.
This room has no door, or window.
It's just me. Struggling with myself.