deepundergroundpoetry.com
Chateau Heart
Bury me naked without a tear
for I am far away
already far from here
Rest your dream at my side
that I might toast death
caressing the grace of your skin
with memories of life
Once a year
lay on this bed with a smile
breathing light on unruly shadow
but do not dwell on weeds
or nurture bitterness
that may trap or confine your heart
Burn my letters
then trample their ashes
until not one word remains
Feed them to the wind
until you and I alone
know what passion
held their flames
Bury me naked
without fear
for I am with you still
though always far from here
Published 13th Jun 2012
| Edited 28th Jan 2023
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Anonymous
13th Jun 2012 4:54pm
I'd suggest you remove all the commas and capital letters. Because they're used inconsistently they interrupt the poem's flow, which is a shame as your lines are brilliant. This poem is like a fairy tale about an ancient ritual, and some of it's profoundly moving. I love the line "Rest your dream at my side." My critique is JMHO. Thanks for the read.
13th Jun 2012 10:41pm
Well, hose me down with gasoline then singe my whiskers with a blow torch & to think I added those little piece of shit commas hoping to appeal to those with more classical sensibilities.
But you're dead right, there's more than enough power in the poem for it to create its own brakes, especially when read aloud.
And I guess you know I'm not a fan of conventional punctuation - so you'll be pleased to hear they're already toast.
Appreciate your thoughts greatly, Jack
~ Abra(comma-killer)Cadabra
But you're dead right, there's more than enough power in the poem for it to create its own brakes, especially when read aloud.
And I guess you know I'm not a fan of conventional punctuation - so you'll be pleased to hear they're already toast.
Appreciate your thoughts greatly, Jack
~ Abra(comma-killer)Cadabra
