when I risk

I decide to write you a letter              
like in old good times              
when we talked through prints and shapes of the clouds              
when we used to stand shores apart              
looking in each other’s eyes            
itchy words, perhaps love birds            
I can’t rip them off my chest            
I used to write you piles of them – making them fly from the top of the roof              
now they are neatly hidden in the golden dusted candy box            
birds' screaming songs made me think, cogitate              
about that                
what have never took place in my life and never will              
nevertheless on the other side          
you blink  and thoughts obsess you              
count them              
feel the heaviness of their weight              
call me – using enciphered phone              
rehearsed voice              
along the stiff line              
your words – transparent icicles              
dropping their eyes              
I am scared of your absence in my dully repeated songs              
countless times i have listened to new tunes      
but prefer to follow your invisible acoustical vibrations              
strict, caring glance              
delicacy hidden              
inside spiny              
human soul              
i have lost the way to our kingdom of distorting mirrors              
sorry, so much to hide              
I made up my mind to start it all over again              
to throw my words into hostile emptiness              
airy words about earthy feedings              
hidden silent secret              
inside the small cupboard box              
in the middle of the minefield              
I fling everything that I have ever forgotten              
I throw away all that is covered with dust now              
I tear pages of the chewed up books              
catch prism of deflected light with my eyelashes              
I live              
without you              
thrown away countless times