no, Google, I'm not suicidal

I googled  
"what to do  
when you've given up
on life"
and it gave me a list  
of suicide hotlines  
and articles on positive  
mental health practices
 
I didn't know how  
to explain to a search engine  
that I'm not suicidal
 
I'm not looking for that kind of exit
 
I'm lost  
I'm lonely  
I'm aimless
 
Everything feels pointless
I've hit the edge of depression  
and kept going into the abyss
instead of pulling back  
like I was supposed to  
 
I scroll through the numbers
on my phone  
and play  
"who would I call if I wanted to die"
just to land on the names  
of the people I love the most  
and ponder a second if they'd  
be the one I trust enough to talk me down  
from any hypothetical ledge  
 
I woke up this morning  
and cried before I even got out of bed  
the crushing weight of existential nothingness
burying me in the bedsheets  
 
It's 9:20am now  
and I cried in the car  
on the way to dropping my son
at daycare  
I cried in the grocery aisle  
I cried in the car again  
on the way home  
where I'm in bed again  
teary stars in my eyes  
 
I put on the saddest song I know  
and press repeat  
I pretend I can cry myself  
back to sanity  
when the reality is  
I'll probably just cry myself
to sleep before 11am  
and hate myself
for another wasted day  
 
I googled  
"what to do  
when you've given up
on life"
and it gave me a list  
of suicide hotlines  
and articles on positive  
mental health practices
 
I didn't know how  
to explain to a search engine  
that I'm not suicidal