letter to an almost lover

You: Do you want to see a real life plane crash?  
Me: Fuck yeah
 

 
Hey, you
I thought about you today  
for the first time in a while  
pictured your face in my mind  
that my brain still interprets as friend
though stranger is more accurate  
 
I told my boyfriend I missed you  
and he looked at me curiously  
and asked why we aren't friends anymore
 
I didn't really need to answer
all three us know
exactly when you chose
to stop picking up my phone calls  
and I can't even hate you for it  
 
It was easier to walk away  
than it was to watch me fall in love  
with someone else
 
I sometimes wonder  
if you think you got friend zoned
for months before I met him
or if you were just too shy  
to make that first move
I also wasn't prepared to make  
because as much as I liked you  
your body never felt right
pressed against mine  
 
And I don't know if it's wrong  
that I miss you  
when we obviously wanted different things
but I still miss you anyway
 
I miss long drives to nowhere
and dining at random cafes
I miss your ridiculous sense of humour  
and our snobby intellectual debates  
I miss being able to bounce  
ideas off each other  
and not care that they went nowhere  
because it was fun just being in the moment  
 
I miss talking for hours about whatever  
random things fed our curiosities
I miss knowing you'd still be awake  
at 1 am and that I could call you anytime
(until I couldn't)
 
I miss thinking our friendship felt right  
when it wasn't  
because we could never just be friends  
and years later I'm still left  
missing you  
 
If I could ask you  
I'd want to know  
do you miss our long drives to nowhere  
and dining at random cafes  
do you miss my sarcastic wit
and uninhibited vocabulary?
'Cause I'm sure I said fuck equally as many times
as I said something smart
 
Do you miss our late night phones calls  
and daytime Marvel movie marathons
do you miss fucking up every movie  
I hadn't seen yet  
because you couldn't stop yourself
with the spoilers?
 
Do you remember the day you called me  
and dragged me out to the site  
of that plane crash  
it wasn't fatal  
but the debris was still splattered in blood  
do you remember seeing how the macabre excited me  
do you remember the the way you smiled  
watching me take photos?
 
I remember wishing I could telepathically  
communicate with you to kiss me  
because I was too much of a coward
to let you know that's what I wanted  
so I settled for a smile and your fingers  
whispering against mine instead  
as we walked back to the car  
 
Do you hate me  
for falling in love with someone else?