The Funeral Comedienne

The Orthodox rabbi had probably never seen anything like it.

First there was the fact that he was dealing with ultra-reformed Jews,
few of whom had been in a synagogue in the past five- or more- years.

Why wasn't there a reformed rabbi? The orthodox one was the only rabbi in their small Central California town

So an Orthodox funeral and burial it was.

I liked to think mom was being taken care of by the highest authority,
helping her transition.

Can you understand that I need to believe in something?

Besides, when I'd asked her a few years before
about what she wanted
cremation?
burial...?
She thought about it for a moment and said 
It doesn't really matter. Just remember me."

I teared up at that

Just like I am now.

The rabbi had asked me on the phone
if there was anyone I didn't want to speak at the funeral.

It just seemed like an interesting question,
making my writer's imagination wonder of graveside bloopers and blunders.

No, I said

I can't think of anyone.


I should have.

But I didn't think she would have...

But she did.

My mom's partner's daughter in law is a textbook narcissist
A vain, mean-spirited woman
The first time I was around her, her negative, angry energy was so strong
I almost left the room in tears.

My sister and I did not want her to attend the funeral
but she did.

We tried to shrug it off.

Until later, when we couldn't...

When I got up to speak about my mom
I didn't have a planned speech
My first lines came to me effortlessly:
"No matter what I say right now", I began
"I can just hear my mom, at the end, saying
'That was excellent, honey, you're such a good speaker!'
and so I went on,
effortlessly extolling my mom's virtues.

My sister did a shorter, but appropriate tribute.

My nephew, a lieutenant colonel in the Air Force Special Forces, did an amazing speech about his grandmother,
accompanied by him and his son doing some weird but heartfelt military warrior ritual with push-ups and shouting out the memories they were dedicated to.

The rabbi was probably already thinking "What the fuck" in Hebrew.

Buckle up I should have told him.

E, my mom's partner was next, with a carefully typed three-page speech. He adored her as much as a human being can adore another, and that came through.

Next was E's son, with a light but respectful tribute.

And then came L, the narcissist shithead (who my mom never liked- and she liked everyone).

L tossed back a lock of her divine mane and announced that she was just there to "add some humor."

Her "humor" consisted of her deep-seated jealousy of what she thought was my mother's overly privileged life (hello? L's father-in-law bought her the five bedroom house. she and her family lived in). 

L "an advanced gourmet cook" proceeded to tell stories of what a picky eater my mom was (she wasn't...) and how she snuck in all the foods my mom hated and she never noticed. She finished by- and I wish I was making this up- pointing both index fingers at my sweet mother's coffin and saying "YOU like anchovies."

And then she sashayed away, tossing another lock of her fabulous mane.

Talk about having the very last word.

BITCH.

After L exited her stage, she whipped out her phone and proceed to walk across the graveyard with it. She returned later to inform my sister, who was meeting her for the first time, that her (L's) daughter was "exceptionally brilliant" and how it was too bad she had to remove her from her elite public school due to a new lesbian paraeducator. 

"I'm so sorry for your loss"?  Nope. Nothing of the sort. Just a mention that her son was also "highly gifted and talented"

For weeks my sister and I were haunted by L's terrorizing tribute. I mean what if...just what if my mom actually heard it?

Finally, my mom's voice came through "Honey, you know how awful she is. Awful! It shouldn't have been a surprise."

And she's right.

But it still was.

 And it was next-level hideous.