Constantly disassociated

In my world, life is fuzzy. Life is spacey. I disassociate so hard I have dropped my phone before, not realizing I ran over it. When people talk to me, I freeze and numb out the feelings of intense fear. The intense fear of being sucked into another world I may not like. That's why I have a processing disorder. I'm trying to read this arts council thingy to see about potentially helping me with funds for my art stuff, but my reading is spotty. I read it over and over again, the words, and they do not make any sense. Nevermind, just read that I needed a letter of recommendation from an organization that approves of my project.

Sigh.

The world most people are living in is just not my world. I have no idea what it's like to really be interested in things. To be a fan of anyone. To know anything outside of spirituality, death, and writing. I'm way interested in health, nature, psychology, philosophy, and art all for the same exact reason: I want to avoid death for as long as possible, and I want love. I feel like I'm always earning love sadly. Because in a way, love is earned. Love to me cannot possibly be a free gift. I have toxic traits, and I don't blame people for leaving. But the people that stay despite it? Those people are my heroes. Makes me feel bad for Mike and for all the men and women I had to leave because of this. Breaks my heart into pieces. Not just into two. But I'm sad for both me and them because love is not guaranteed. For everyone, love did not come on a silver platter. In fact, it hardly came at all. I've learned that really, there is not much hope in this situation other than to rely on yourself and do your passions that fulfill those needs for love and connection. I'm slowly trying to give people a benefit of a doubt. But it's hard. It's hard because I'm invisible in this world. Being too noticed feels like suffocation. Being too isolated is also a sure way to go insane.

But I try to remember those times in which I was loved, even if it was temporary. And of course, the love I have with my current friends now. It's hard right to conjure up those memories because there's unfortunately a myriad of negative things to process and a myriad of fears gripping onto me for dear life, forcing me to face them.

The fear of having kids and being forever obligated to someone. The fear of not being chosen. The fear of being chosen, someone seeing all of me, and ditching me. The fear of more experiences closing up my heart and sealing it completely into eternal darkness.

All of this makes me incredibly sleepy.