…

the mirror cracks
under the weight of truths
that I've spent years tryin to drown
change is the strangest thing
burnin and strippin away
the comfort of self told lies

I don't wanna know myself
this stranger wearin my skin,
this sloppily pieced together
patchwork of rage and sorrow

blind is easier
leavin myself unquestioned…unchallenged
because the words…
once you say them out loud
you can't take them back

"I'm a fuck up
I'm an alcoholic
I'm a loser
I’m a cheater
I’m a quitter
I'm a manic depressive asshole"

the truths vibrate thru my bones
impossible to unspeak…to unknow
they shatter my armor
and in the cracks I see him…
who I am…the monster
angry
hateful
terrifyin in his raw humanity

he is the me that I've tried to bury
that I've tried to drown
that I've tried to medicate away
but he remains
pacin beneath my skin
muscles coiled
ready to lash out
poundin against my walls
clawin away inside of me
rippin thru my carefully constructed fortress
of repression and denial
any time someone gets too close

this
this is the face of my illness
of my addiction
me
a part of me
as real as my hands
my heart and my scars
born of pain and fear
fed by a lifetime
of feelin too much
and not enough
all at the same time

he is me stripped of pretense
of niceties
of the mask of normalcy
that I struggle to wear

I'm learnin
fuck me…am I learnin
that healin isn't bout
gettin rid of this part of who I am
it's bout acknowledgin the anger
and the hatred
and even the hurt that fuels him
it's bout sittin with
all the fuckin discomfort
of knowin that
I am capable of love
but also terrible destruction

this constant negotiation with myself…
it's hard sometimes
really lookin at myself
and seein the things
I'd rather ignore
the raw exposure
the vulnerability

I fuckin hate it
I wanna quit
I wanna give in

but then I catch a glimpse
of who I'm becomin
tryin to navigate thru
all of the broken shards
of who I've been
and I'm reminded
that once you've said it out loud
it can't be undone…

"I am worth knowin
I am worth the hard work
I am worth savin
I am worth every bit of effort
even the parts of me that rage
and destroy
especially those parts
I am worth it"

and maybe
by sayin that out loud
the anger will start to soften
the hatred will fade

maybe
I'll find a form of peace
not thru silencin the monster
but by tryin to hear
what he's been tryin
to tell me

maybe the force
that has been my destruction
could become a source of strength
of resilience
of protection of the self
I'm tryin to become