commitment issues

stairwell breathe concrete dust and regret
spiralin like my mood
up or down
dependin on the direction you’re goin
the steps know my weight by now
the drag
the heaviness
the purpose
 
third floor landin  
where fluorescents stutter  
I test the bottom rail with one foot
steel cold thru sole of my chucks
then ease myself up onto the edge
where certainty meets empty air
 
I pressed against the railin
metal singin into my palms  
and I leaned into nothin
perfect negative space  
shaped exactly like a fallin body
 
the emptiness spread wide  
a dark invitation
from here…I could count the seconds
it would take to greet the ground
a physics equation  
I solve every wednesday afternoon
 
I wonder if doc’s mortgage
depends on people like me
findin poetry in places
we shouldn't be standin
could picture his face of disappointment  
if I became a statistic  
 
my watch ticked its disapproval  
late
I dismounted from my perch  
with the grace of someone  
who's rehearsed this scene  
too many times to count
and promised myself
I’d reconsider on the way down