deepundergroundpoetry.com
Happy Endings
Wood splinters and bloody knuckles
Obscenities that echo through this booming silence
Furrowed brows staring at a dusty floor
Welcome to the world of non-existence
I’m a ghost for your gaze to look straight through
My palms itching to slap the indifference off your face
As I pick at the scabs of my scarred and re-wounded heart
Wondering if your vacant eyes will light up at the carving of your name
Blood-letting, apocalypse warning, my neuroses turn you on
You always seem to miss the prophecies etched in my skin
As your fingers own my hair, pulling me down for dark favours
In violent kisses like fuck equals forgiveness
In the sadism of your hands I forget this is love
Bruises marking the lines of your amorous affections
My mangled heart clutching at meaningless apologies
Desperate for a “beauty and the beast” ending
© Indie Adams 2012
Obscenities that echo through this booming silence
Furrowed brows staring at a dusty floor
Welcome to the world of non-existence
I’m a ghost for your gaze to look straight through
My palms itching to slap the indifference off your face
As I pick at the scabs of my scarred and re-wounded heart
Wondering if your vacant eyes will light up at the carving of your name
Blood-letting, apocalypse warning, my neuroses turn you on
You always seem to miss the prophecies etched in my skin
As your fingers own my hair, pulling me down for dark favours
In violent kisses like fuck equals forgiveness
In the sadism of your hands I forget this is love
Bruises marking the lines of your amorous affections
My mangled heart clutching at meaningless apologies
Desperate for a “beauty and the beast” ending
© Indie Adams 2012
Published 25th May 2012
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 12
reading list entries 0
comments 14
reads 1082
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
25th May 2012 3:38am
This...isa masterpiece
I love the tone of this menacing...and seductive
simutaneously!
well done!
I love the tone of this menacing...and seductive
simutaneously!
well done!
25th May 2012 4:07am
i loved the clarity of the image going from slapping her face to picking at scabs. like a child almost, but not in attention being diverted from the situation, more her reaction to it. i know it was the desire to slap the face, but it played out for me.
the last line let me down just a little bit, because of either the rhythm or a sort of cookie-cut feel, if i'm honest. maybe just "end" as the last word? or "'beauty to beast' ending"... it feels like one syllable is off (which i do all the time, it's not the end of the world). L8 - typo before 'vacant'?
this one's legs are meatier and you're steady with that always-borderline feel of wanting to scream in anger, break down into tears, and give-give-give. i think you brought out really well. provocative. [:
the last line let me down just a little bit, because of either the rhythm or a sort of cookie-cut feel, if i'm honest. maybe just "end" as the last word? or "'beauty to beast' ending"... it feels like one syllable is off (which i do all the time, it's not the end of the world). L8 - typo before 'vacant'?
this one's legs are meatier and you're steady with that always-borderline feel of wanting to scream in anger, break down into tears, and give-give-give. i think you brought out really well. provocative. [:
Thanks Jesta, for your feedback and observations. There is something childlike in that particular reaction.
"you" fixed to "your"
IMO the entire last verse doesn't sit right with me, I'll have to think on how to fix the flow. I like the last line (though it is a little cliched) I just have to get it to reword it or rework with the other three lines, which also need some tweaking. :)
Thanks again. Much appreciated.
"you" fixed to "your"
IMO the entire last verse doesn't sit right with me, I'll have to think on how to fix the flow. I like the last line (though it is a little cliched) I just have to get it to reword it or rework with the other three lines, which also need some tweaking. :)
Thanks again. Much appreciated.
25th May 2012 6:29pm
i swear like every poem ive read of yours has spoken to my soul and made my eyes teared
26th May 2012 00:25am
25th May 2012 6:32pm
I like it all actually to the very end..I read and reread it and read it again..But I saw nothing that I would change...good work Indie Thanks
26th May 2012 00:24am
Anonymous
25th May 2012 8:53pm
The entire poem was well constructed and flowed smoothly. Your mastery over words and phrases and poetry shines through until the last line....The last line is clicheed and out of place....and just does not go with the rest of the poem.
Hope you are not offended by this observation.
Peace
Kitty
Hope you are not offended by this observation.
Peace
Kitty
26th May 2012 00:22am
Thanks for your feedback Kitty, I'm not at all offended, this is what honest critique is about.
The last line is a cliched line, I was struggling with the ending and that particular line fit. I like it though I know it could be more powerful. Right now I don't know how to fix it, but it's definitely something I'll come back to when I can get some perspective on this piece.
Thanks again :)
Peace, Indie
The last line is a cliched line, I was struggling with the ending and that particular line fit. I like it though I know it could be more powerful. Right now I don't know how to fix it, but it's definitely something I'll come back to when I can get some perspective on this piece.
Thanks again :)
Peace, Indie
Anonymous
26th May 2012 2:52am
it's definitely hard-hitting, but there's such a sensitivity and vulnerability that adds another beautiful perspective to this. the rhythm to the first stanza in particular is awesome. (awesome is such a terrible word to describe things, but it's all i can offer up right now). i think this is one of my favorites by you, indie. everything else that i wanted to say has already been said, so i'll leave it there. :]
26th May 2012 5:01am
Thanks so much for your feedback aglitch :) Much appreciated.
I wanted this to be hard hitting while expressing both a sensitivity and vulnerability in this piece, I'm glad it reads that way. It's a complicated topic I think and I wanted to tackle it from a different angle than just and angry or nostalgic recollection. Thanks too for the reading list add. x)
I wanted this to be hard hitting while expressing both a sensitivity and vulnerability in this piece, I'm glad it reads that way. It's a complicated topic I think and I wanted to tackle it from a different angle than just and angry or nostalgic recollection. Thanks too for the reading list add. x)
26th May 2012 4:52am
26th May 2012 5:03am
