Holy Shit!

God and I are having disagreements...
 
.....
 
God said, "Let there be light!"
 
I said, "Let there be light beer!"
 
..
 
God created Eve from Adam's rib.
 
I ordered a plate of ribs for a hot lesbian orgy!
 
..
 
Satan, disguised as a snake, tempted Eve and she and Adam ate the forbidden fruit and were banished from the Garden of Eden.
 
I said, "Wait a minute!  God tempted them by putting the forbidden fruit there in the first place!"
 
..
 
God said, "Who told you that you were naked?”
 
I said, "Mind your own business, old dude!"
 
..
 
God gave his only begotten son for our sins.  
 
I gave someone's son a BJ! Wished I gotten  
his name! Mmmmm!
 
..
 
God flooded the world because humanity had become extremely wicked and violent.  
 
I ask, "Who learned a lesson from this since 7 billion people died and a handful had to start over?  We are now at 8 billion plus with all the same problems - thou shall not kill, Dumb ass!"
 
..
 
God said, "Thou shall not covet!"
 
I said, "Another example of outrageous temptation!  We have Amazon Shopping and Internet Porn!  And we can't covet?  REALITY CHECK, God!"
 
..
 
God said, "Honor thy mother and father?"
 
I said, "Honor a woman who allowed molestation? No, fucking way God! Step aside and let me straighten this out..."
 
REWRITE: Honor the mothers and fathers who deserve to be honored. Honor and care for your children!!!
 
..
 
Tally: God gets 1.  Paula (me) gets 7.
God's only point is for creating light because I needed it to open my light beer!!!