Triggers

Momma rocking in her rocking chair while watching Jimmy sexually abuse me goes back a generation to Grandma in a rocker while Mom's dad (Grandpa Lou) raped her. It took years of panic and a confession by my mother to figure this out!  She died maintaining that I was a promiscuous Lolita who seduced and took advange of relatives, her friends and our neighbors.  YEAH, MOM I WAS A 4 YEAR OLD WHORE!  Even the words...Mom, Momma and Mommy used to trigger me!

I don't remember my first vaginal rape and I don't count it as sex since it wasn't consensual.  I lost my virginity at age 17.  I decided that!  I consented then! Before that - they stole my innocence! So many of them!  

Having a man on top was a trigger for many years since that was my main molester's favorite way. Pin me down with his weight.  I learned to pace consensual sex.  Too fast. Too furious. Too soon.  Causes me to panic and to thrash around and scream. Let me visualize a face and not the faces of those who haunt me most.  Surroundings are also important.  Nothing that triggers - then do whatever I'm game for!!! I have to have control!  P.S. I carry a knife!

I can't hear Elvis music. One friend of my mother's was an Elvis Impersonator.  He denies everything that i remember.  I was 14 and had developed my boobs.  He did everything but fuck me. I want to vomit when I hear Elvis or see anything Elvis related.

Sometimes it's words and phrases.  It will hit me like a ton of bricks dumped on me.  I was about 25 in a K-Mart near the dressing room when I heard, "Hurry, the fuck up!" I blacked out and pissed myself. That was said to me too many times!!!  They call these triggers engrams and they set in your mind after abuse.  Certain words, phrases and tones of voice have set me off into a scared panic.  As I realized this, I learned to cope.  I remind myself that Grandpa, Jimmy and Mom couldn't have said anything - they are all long dead.

A cologne or a movie and damn near anything could set me.  I learned control.  Some of that came via weed and alcohol...just like my mother.  But, she did any drug. Another problem I have to handle. I haven't done harder drugs.

I have pretty much melded my remaining personalities by asking myself, "How would Angel handled this?"  It's now like putting on a mask instead of blacking out and not being the one in control.  All my ways to cope...I
learned from others like me!  Counselors just want to know, "How, does that make you feel?"  I always know how I feel and usually why?  But learning methods to help me never came from counselors.

You might read this and think I'm nearly better...nope. It's minute by minute handling irrational fear.  I hate leaving my apartment building.  I can have anything delivered and I do!  I found a small bar and go there. A step in the right direction until the drinking starts.

I don't know how this is for others but I find comfort with strangers.  Strangers never sexually abused me.  I know that may be the reverse for most people.  My group meetings are not AA or NA. My counselor's patients are the group...core 4.  There is one male and three female.  We "sometimes" meet once a week via zoom, mostly.  In person every couple weeks. Because of holidays we have only had 2 zoom since Thanks-giving and I didn't log in.  I feel worse after group. Group has triggered me.