To My Old Self....

To my old self,
I apologize for turning out this way.
You held high hopes for the future —
I crushed them down,
all in vain.
one by one,
broke the promises we made,
lost your essence,
realized it too late.
Will I disappoint you,
if I became the adult we hated?

In moments of loneliness and despair,
I wish you were here,
to heal the wounds
with your love and care.
I tried to be
what we wished for,
but nothing ever seemed to work.
I brought more trouble.

I asked you to leave,
just to meet the expectations.
I drowned in them,
hoping to reach the shore.
Let the darkness consume me,
thought I deserved nothing.
I grew up to be the exact copy
of people we despised as a child.
Maybe I was wrong all along —
asking you to leave
for people we weren’t fond of.

If I ever meet you in this void,
though I could never face you,
just know —
for every breath I took,
I longed for you,
wished I was stronger,
enough to make you stay.

I will let this void consume me,
because, maybe,
it’s the only fate I’ve come to accept.

— Stillis Gray.