Paradise Lost

 
riotus laughter fills my thoughts
as the voices of mirth enter my mind
sometimes i laugh with them, others I don't

my feelings turn towards sorrow
I feel bad for them with all their bravado
they can't admit they're sad

in Paradise Lost Milton tells of Lucifer's fall
in front of the other angels he was brave
but when he is alone and thoughtful he feels bad
like he really fucked up
this makes me sorrowful because I know what is to fuck up
and regretting it later

he has no hopes of redeeming himself
my heart sinks at the thought of never seeing God again
it would be too much for me to bear

I read how all of heaven was affected by the fall
more importantly how God was affected
they searched each others faces for comfort
it was Jesus who came forth and volunteered
he comforted our Father in his time of need
and vowed he would pay the price for sin

it was a heavy day in heaven
when our gentle Father was forced to cast some out
my mind can't grapple with the heaviness of it
somewhere inside myself I have memories
of being there before the fall
I  saw something in Lucifer's eyes perhaps just a flicker
with thoughts of telling our Father immediately
but fearing my thoughts unfounded, I held it to myself

there is a heavy weight on my soul
wondering could I have prevented the fall
perhaps some of the angels could have been spared

his name wasn't Lucifer then, he had a sacred name only heaven knows
he comes around me sometimes
we laugh and talk, then I realize he isn't the same
all of the dreams we had when we rejoiced won't happen now
I feel I failed him somehow

when the war broke out, I tried to reason with them and even my Father
I was torn but I stood my ground against him
my hand was forced

he considers this a big betrayal
I have no vow with him
but I think my Father doubts
he let's him come here and I am tested
I've chosen my Father but can't seem to recocile my regret

Lucifer is able to leave hell but realizes it's inside him
more than a location and it follows him where he goes
my heart wonders if I will forget in time
or will my sorrow follow me somehow