Levels and Layers

I watched another sun come up  
And another sun has set  
As shadows lengthen into the night  
But nights no darker than the day  
And my life  
Both good and bad  
Lies wasted in the stain  
The feeling of lost  
Which cradles me now in emptiness  
And for what  
For saying I wanted to be kissed as if this was our last breath  
For wanting to be part of us  
And not a me and you  
For wanting warmth and not just a body  
Lying beside me in the bed  
 
Work it out!  
Work it out?!?  
 
How many years have I slept alone  
Duty bound and honest to a vow  
I threw myself at work  
I threw myself at church  
I threw myself at the wall you won’t tear down  
I beat on it until I began to crumble with the blows
And then, though honest to the vow  
I fell  
I lied and why  
Was it me or was it you
My lie or did you push me away  
One too many times  
And someone spoke from the heartbreak I was feeling and I fell  
I lied and why  
Was it me or was it them
Or where were you all those days  
All those nights  
All that time to be with you and yet be so alone  
And now I am alone  
You have your wall  
She found her life  
And I have emptiness to cradle me in that vow  
 
Life’s too precious to just die for words  
Words that taste like ashes in my mouth  
Just dust scattered on the winds  
Empty words
Are you a martyr for the cause  
Don’t die for me  
If you can’t live for me  
And call it holy  
Put me out of your noble suffering  
I’m done with flagellation
I’ve died the death for you  
Take the bolts and bars off of your heart  
Or I’ll burst these bonds and flee this cell  
I knelt before you at the altar not the stocks  
I long to see blue skies and evening stars through a lover’s eyes before I die  
To taste a kiss wreathed in the scent of honeysuckle and pine  
Yearned for hungrily and given ceaselessly…  
When last did you kiss me like you meant it  
Can you remember  
I can’t  
And you don’t even know how sad I am  
 
Truth broke over me like a wave last night and pulled me stumbling, down  
Tumbling  
Scraping across sand and shells and rocks  
Suffocating  
I couldn’t breath  
And then I was free  
Free of hurting and denials and lies  
And being left with consequences – having to carry my pain and yours  
And I am empty today  
With nowhere to turn but the mirror  
And the man there won’t even speak to me  
Because I’m afraid to look him in the eye  
And see what he truly has to say…  
I still fear the truth of me