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Paranoia Diary: Entry II
The dream didn't make any sense, like most of my dreams that I've had when I am on sleeping pills. Any kind of sleeping supplement gives me strange dreams that I cannot explain or begin to comprehend. This dream involved a door, yes that's right a door-- And not just any door, the door to my hotel room. This door in my dream was not the door that is in front of me right now. For on thing, something was trying to get pass that door in my dream, something not human-- Something dark and evil, reeking of darkness and hatred towards me. In my dream my mother was not listening to me about having to keep the door closed, and so the door kept flying open-- At one point coming off it's hinges, the locks becoming broken or not making any sense on how it was possible to even lock them. And then my cat ran out of the room, and beyond the door, there was nothing but darkness. Once I got my cat back inside the room and was able to secure the door in place, along with locking all of the locks when it reality my door to my hotel room only has two. But this door had at least five locks. And once all the locks were in place, my mother broke one of the locks and pushed the door open...
Which was when I woke up. I do not know anything on the knowledge of dream anaylsis; if anyone has any clue what this could possibly mean I would gladly enjoy the information.
Now when I woke up, I found that I was alone in the hotel room. Which is completely normal considering my mother always goes out of the room in the morning to socialize, have her morning cigarette(s) and then get her four, five cups of coffee.... Anyway I was alone when I woke up, well not completely alone because my cat, Jiji was there staring at me and greeting me with his morning greeting of few hundred meow until I gave in and started petting him. I was prepared to go back to sleep like I do every morning since the school forced me to dropout (see Conspiracy Theory Three: Unwritten Law for more information). Until I heard scartching going up and down the walls in the next room, the room that was to the left of my hotel room. Now of course I had to make sure that I was actually awake and not just dreaming these noises which has happened before. So blinking any sleepiness out of my eyes I sat up in bed and followed the noises up and down the walls. Until I heard a bang on the window next door, then came the banging on the other walls, walls that had nothing behind them. Then came the sound of someone trying to get in the room when there was no one there. And I wasn't the only one hearing things because with every noise my cat looked in the same direction.
My chest tightened, and I felt like the walls were caving on me. I wanted to go back to sleep. To ignore all of these noises, to sleep the day away knowing that today was going to be one of the more dreadful of days considering that I would not get to see my love today because of him being grounded from seeing my for two days this week. So I curled up in my bed, I wanted the noises to stop-- I didn't want to stay awake, I wanted to sleep the day away. Pretend the none of this was happening, that there was no monsters in the room that wanted this day to be one of the longest days for me to experience in my tiny cell block prison of the Days Inn Hotel. I didn't want to believe that this was the day that the World had waited for, the day in which I had no one here with me. My mother and my boyfriend were both not present to help me, to save me from the darkness. That this was what everyone wanted to see me break under the pressure of my own imagaination and paranoia.
I was having a panic attack.
And that panic attack turned into a hyper manic episode, in which all I did was lay there under my blankets shaking, I was cold but I was warm. My face was flustered with heat, but my body was cold with a chill that I could shake. And my chest, stomach, throat and lower stomach were aching so badly that I just didn't want to move.
I couldn't move.
I couldn't breathe.
I felt sick to my stomach.
And all I could think was why....
Why did everyone leave me, especially when I needed them most.
Why did they leave me alone?
. . .I fear my paranoia is getting worse, much worse than it has ever been. I do not know when social phobia erupted and became a slightly acute paranoia to everything, especially when I am alone. But I fear that it may be getting worse, and this worries me. There will be a week in the summer when I will not have my love, Andrew there to comfort me through the darkness of my life. If this is how I act when I will be spending one day without him, what will I be that entire week?
I fear my sanity is in danger of disappearing for good. My ability to depend of myself has been completely demolished, without Andrew I have become nothing. This may sound pathetic to people that believe that they do not need a man to be happy, but they do not know what it feels like to be alone and broken in a vast world of darkness where everywhere you turn someone is trying to stab a dagger through your heart.
Someone, somewhere is trying to destroy you and no matter what you do you are always in that danger of being destroyed.
Which was when I woke up. I do not know anything on the knowledge of dream anaylsis; if anyone has any clue what this could possibly mean I would gladly enjoy the information.
Now when I woke up, I found that I was alone in the hotel room. Which is completely normal considering my mother always goes out of the room in the morning to socialize, have her morning cigarette(s) and then get her four, five cups of coffee.... Anyway I was alone when I woke up, well not completely alone because my cat, Jiji was there staring at me and greeting me with his morning greeting of few hundred meow until I gave in and started petting him. I was prepared to go back to sleep like I do every morning since the school forced me to dropout (see Conspiracy Theory Three: Unwritten Law for more information). Until I heard scartching going up and down the walls in the next room, the room that was to the left of my hotel room. Now of course I had to make sure that I was actually awake and not just dreaming these noises which has happened before. So blinking any sleepiness out of my eyes I sat up in bed and followed the noises up and down the walls. Until I heard a bang on the window next door, then came the banging on the other walls, walls that had nothing behind them. Then came the sound of someone trying to get in the room when there was no one there. And I wasn't the only one hearing things because with every noise my cat looked in the same direction.
My chest tightened, and I felt like the walls were caving on me. I wanted to go back to sleep. To ignore all of these noises, to sleep the day away knowing that today was going to be one of the more dreadful of days considering that I would not get to see my love today because of him being grounded from seeing my for two days this week. So I curled up in my bed, I wanted the noises to stop-- I didn't want to stay awake, I wanted to sleep the day away. Pretend the none of this was happening, that there was no monsters in the room that wanted this day to be one of the longest days for me to experience in my tiny cell block prison of the Days Inn Hotel. I didn't want to believe that this was the day that the World had waited for, the day in which I had no one here with me. My mother and my boyfriend were both not present to help me, to save me from the darkness. That this was what everyone wanted to see me break under the pressure of my own imagaination and paranoia.
I was having a panic attack.
And that panic attack turned into a hyper manic episode, in which all I did was lay there under my blankets shaking, I was cold but I was warm. My face was flustered with heat, but my body was cold with a chill that I could shake. And my chest, stomach, throat and lower stomach were aching so badly that I just didn't want to move.
I couldn't move.
I couldn't breathe.
I felt sick to my stomach.
And all I could think was why....
Why did everyone leave me, especially when I needed them most.
Why did they leave me alone?
. . .I fear my paranoia is getting worse, much worse than it has ever been. I do not know when social phobia erupted and became a slightly acute paranoia to everything, especially when I am alone. But I fear that it may be getting worse, and this worries me. There will be a week in the summer when I will not have my love, Andrew there to comfort me through the darkness of my life. If this is how I act when I will be spending one day without him, what will I be that entire week?
I fear my sanity is in danger of disappearing for good. My ability to depend of myself has been completely demolished, without Andrew I have become nothing. This may sound pathetic to people that believe that they do not need a man to be happy, but they do not know what it feels like to be alone and broken in a vast world of darkness where everywhere you turn someone is trying to stab a dagger through your heart.
Someone, somewhere is trying to destroy you and no matter what you do you are always in that danger of being destroyed.
Published 23rd May 2012
| Edited 26th May 2012
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