Shadow of My Past Other Memories With J

Author’s Note: Here are the beginning scenes that occur before J leaves my life. Like I said, I’d like you guys to tell me if I should insert them in the story or not. Note that they are not in order. Enjoy.
Sarah, Confined, Beginning Scenes, pgs. 1-10
3. J says a questionable thing scene
One of the employer trucks sat there, a few supervisors hanging around in it, probably smoking weed.
A distance away, J and I sat there in the seats that came with my ghostly white Expedition.
J and I got into a deep discussion, prompting him to give an example and say, "If that truck were to blow up right now, I wouldn't care."
Now, you're probably wondering, "Why in the hell would I love someone like him?"
You see, I understand. I understand the emotional detachment from tragedy.
I even understand it when it has come to the deaths of people who I was supposed to feel something for.
Like when my dad died at 16, a teacher of mine had the nerve to remark, “You don’t care.” Adding to my already confused and distressed state over feeling nothing. A few years later, my sister came in my room to announce that our grandma was dead, the one I was particularly close to. I didn’t even cry or blink twice. This is something my sister would later admit to. Guess it runs in the family.
At the time, him saying that made me have a knot in my stomach.
But now, I'd just smirk.
Because like me, he wasn't and will never be a criminal of any sort.
He was suspicious yet blameless.
Interesting.
Very interesting.
You see, I'm fascinated by abuse victims who never become abusers or murderers. If they were to cross that thresh line, I'd be no longer interested. But if they were to be tainted by darkness just enough to where my uncensored side could come alive, I'd make magic with them in more ways than one. The kind of magic that'd make our clothes disappear and the handcuffs appear.
I knew deep down inside that he was a good person, and that was what really drew me to him.
And made it impossible to let go.
2. Did I Pass Your Psychological Evaluation? Scene
Over the phone, J and I played a game once. Where we would say the first word we think of for each letter in the alphabet. A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z.
I think I went first. I said obscene things like A for “Asshole,” B for “Bitch,” and P for “Penis.” I guess that’s what happens when you’ve had to wear the mask of innocence for so long. Like me.
When he went, he said things that were more normal. Being part Hispanic, he got stuck on K, not knowing if a certain word started with it. Cute.
“Did I pass your psychological evaluation?” he asked in that oh so sexy bad boy tone.
Of course, he did.
He passed every test there was.
Except the test of staying.
3. “I Don’t Know Why People Don’t Like Me.” Scene
Something J had mentioned while we were exploring the quiet darkness of Market Street that people didn’t like him, the same thing I thought about myself.
I asked him about it, and he said, “I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because I get intellectual when I get tired.” He probably spouted out other reasons as well, ones now dissipated from memory.
But I know that I didn’t understand why anyone would dislike him.
Sure, he was emotionally detached, hated people, and had the bad childhood thing. But that made peeling away his layers all the more interesting.
4. “I Would Date You, but I Would Make a Terrible Boyfriend.” Scene
“I would date you, but I would make a terrible boyfriend.” At Market Street, I remember this line he threw around as we were sitting down across the movie theater. I don’t fully remember the context, but I asked him if he liked me like that. He said no.
I should have listened. I should have.
But my heart didn’t want to accept it later (my best friend, Aiden even told me to ask him what he felt after about a month passed to see if anything had changed. But I didn’t. Was too afraid), and when he eventually initiated the idea of sex with me, I couldn’t resist the pull my heart took me.
I had only done sexual stuff with four guys before whereas he apparently done sexual stuff with multiple women- he told me that. And those four guys were guys I had some sort of special bond with.
When he said no, I didn’t know I liked him at the time nor was looking for someone like my ex again. So, I told him, “Good, it’d never work out if we were together.”
To this day, I wish I had known whether it would have or not.
Guess I’ll never know.
5. “What did you think I was going to grab?” scene
“What did you think I was going to grab?”
He said this while we were at work; he was referring to touching my ass. This was some time after we had officially hung out at the mall and Market Street. I was more quiet than usual around him since I had a crush on him and that made me nervous. So, when he said that, I didn't flirt back. To this day, I don't remember what I said, but I do remember what he said as a way of flirting with me.
6. “You can beat me up if you want.” Scene
"You can beat me up and take your anger out on me if you'd like." This was a weird thing that he said to me at work, sometime after the hang out at the mall and Market Street, sometime after we had a deep talk about how people who hit their pillows like me turn out to be abusive later on in life. If I understand it correctly, he was being sexual in his comment towards me especially since he had mentioned previously that he was into BDSM.
7. Flicking a French fry scene
Him flicking a French fry in my direction pretending it's a dick and asking if I wanted it. I can't fully remember his words, but I remember the way he was looking at me. No smile on his face but looked at me with those sexy, soulful eyes. To this day, it makes me shiver down my spine in a very good way. He was probably joking about it because I always joked with him about the hot dogs I would buy at DQ being penises. This was the same night that he said, "What did you think I was going to grab?", and as stupid as I was, I didn't really respond to the French fry joke in the way I wish I had now: by saying in a seductive voice, "You know...there's something bigger and better I could put in my mouth." I could have done all kinds of sexual things with him in my car while we were on break from work. But I was too afraid to make the first move. I still wonder to this day if things would have been better had I said that. Guess I will never know.
8. Sexual abuse question scene
She’s now an ex friend, but when she was my best friend, we had hung out at in 2016, after J and I had hung out that one time at the mall.
I was driving her somewhere in the area, silence between us until I asked, “Do you think a person who was sexually abused can make better choices than their sexual abuser?”
She said of course they can and asked why I was asking.
I didn’t tell her the real reason. I didn’t even tell her that I was starting to like J.
From experience, I knew that she would not approve of J. If she didn’t approve of my ex, Brandon- the man who would not look her in the eyes when he met her, she would not approve of the mystery man who had the same personality disguised with a different look.
And in my humble opinion, I often think that it’s the people who don’t follow the socially acceptable traditions that are the most authentic, the most interesting.
Probably one reason why this female friend and I split apart.
And many more.
9. “You’re a virgin?!” scene
At the Woodlands Mall, walking towards the food court, he popped the question way before deciding he wanted to pop my cherry. “You’re a virgin?!”
Somehow, we got on this topic as well as another one about if I liked vanilla sex.
Had no idea what the hell that meant, as I’ve never tried BDSM back then.
But I didn’t answer any of these questions because I wasn’t interested in his advances at that very moment.
Damn it, I wish I had.
Why did I not see what was right in front of me? This man who was beautiful inside and out in the way I specifically liked?
Hell, even if he didn’t want a relationship, I could have at least fucked him.
10. “Guys?” scene
This big, black guy at work around our age one night was like “Guys?” again and again as J and I were sitting down on the pavement in Green Lot.
Teasing us for some reason.
In the back of my mind, I keep thinking if we had fucked and kept talking, would that black guy as well as other workers find out somehow? The thought thrilled me to think about.
I guess because showing off the man would have been the best feeling in the world.
And it being a parking attendant job, no one would have given a fuck what we did outside of work. Everyone was so chill and cool there. Even one of the supervisors was like “I abuse so much company time.”
11. “You can put your head on my shoulder if you’d like” scene
“You can put your head on my shoulder if you’d like.”
This was something he had said some time at work before we had officially hung out. Maybe it didn't mean anything, but I know that a guy who's repulsed by me wouldn't say it.
I still wonder what would have happened if I had done so.
Would our co-workers have thought we were together?
12. “I like your yawn.” Scene
"I like your yawn." He said this while we were on our way to our vehicles at Market Street and about to go our separate ways. It was one of those things that could be seen as a romantic thing, especially coming from a guy. To my recollection, I've never had any of my female friends say that to me.
13. “That’s cute.” scene
J's response to the joke I said to my friend, Weston about holding a sign that says "touch my pussy" with a cat nearby. His hair and face flipped in a way I personally liked, and he gave me those rough-looking eyes and he said with that voice that showed me how corrupted and mature he was compared to me, "That's cute."
14. J watching me from afar, or so it seemed scene
J constantly watching over me from afar. This happened some time at work, I believe after we hung out at the mall. When he was on the grass, in the front entrance of Green Lot and when I was deeper into the parking lot both directing cars to their designated parking spot, I remember him walking back and forth, looking back in my direction with that tan hat of his. I will never know if it meant anything, but I'd like to think it did.
It honestly reminded me on when I was 17, after the first guy who’d become my boyfriend hung out. He would stare at me endlessly at lunch and in History class during high school.
I guess hotter guys like J wouldn’t be interested in a more average girl like me.
15. “That sales lady thought we were married!” scene
"That sales lady thought we were married!" This was what he had said, what he had made a big deal about. The sales lady in the bed store at the mall apparently assumed he and I were married. Looking back, I think it's more than cute that he had made a huge deal about it, as if he really cared. But as I might have said before, I may never know the answer.
16. Liking crazy girls scene
As we sat on the stone ledge near Market Street’s Cinemark movie theater, he admitted to me that he liked crazy girls.
Somewhere in there, I asked if I was normal. He said yes.
But I know now that I’m far from normal.
And even I was too crazy for him, the best self-esteem killer there ever was.
17. Pedophile joke scene
At the mall, we had passed by the Justice store as I was relaying to him the story from Weston and I’s people watching experience at that same mall.
      The story went like this: As Weston and I were people watching, we saw this guy with the stereotypical glasses, and I said, “I bet you that guy’s a pedophile.” Later on, we saw that same dude going in the Justice store, a store for 12-year-old girls.
      To that, J said, “Guess that guy needs to get his ass kicked.”
      Since I didn’t know for sure if that guy I people watched with Weston was one, I said that maybe he was buying something for his daughter.
“I don’t know. If it was my daughter…” J trailed into that territory, and looking back, I just shiver. Even though some time in that same mall hang out, we both agreed that having kids wouldn’t be our thing.
18. Never getting married scene
      On that stone ledge near Market Street’s Cinemark movie theater, J also admitted that he was probably never going to get married.
      But now that I think about it, he’s way more likely to get married than me.
      Now, he’s telling the sad tale of my life, not his.
      Not his.