Scared of Her

I'm scared of her,
the girl I became 9 years ago,
scared of the harassment
I caused by texting too much.
 
I still struggle with this problem from time to time,
I wish the pain would go away,
but it just doesn't.
 
I don't trust myself
when I'm in a schizophrenic episode.
I become that monster that others fear.
 
I'm scared of her,
but I can't help but cry for her.
 
Because she deserved compassion
and she still does.
 
And sometimes, I'm just terrified
that I cannot give it to her
the way she needs.
 
How did I get here
with all this pain,
all these scars?
 
It's like I know I'm worthy,
but the pain of the past  
rises up again.
 
I need so much alone time
to heal from
going from mental hospital to mental hospital
because of him
 
and texting so much out of desperation.
 
I'm afraid that I've lost that girl,
that girl that I used to be,
but then, I realize she was an illusion.
 
She had so much anger and rage,
and she got it all out with this one person
through the texts.
 
She knows through it all  
 
that she's worthy,
but she's shaking,
shaking,
knowing how abandoned and forgotten she was.
 
She doesn't tell people the pain of her past
as much
because she doesn't want to be shamed.
 
She just wanted to be loved,
and she doesn't know how to love anyone else anymore.
 
I feel this way for a reason,
it's because I really can't handle rejection.
I have mental health issues that make me go crazy.
I keep reminding that I must be alone during this process,
to resist any urges to go on dating sites
or even friendship sites.
You know you're not interested,
don't even try.
You have your friends,  
your corner,
stick to it.
 
I cry sometimes,
knowing this is my reality,
but I feel happy
in a strange way,
knowing that I can save those
who feel impossible to save.
 
Let's save each other together,
always.