My Heart Is Breaking

I'm writing this story, Free. I know it feels right in my heart, but my feelings are getting stuck. The words are hardly coming out, and I just feel numb.
 
The raw feelings of my emotions won't come through. I believe in my story enough to know it's the bestseller that will make me money, but Josh, why did you have to leave?
 
Why did you have to go?
 
Maybe you're already in love with someone else, but I must go on as a writer and write these stories even with the horrible thought that you never cared. That you'll never appreciate and cry over the stories I wrote about you. That we'll never watch He Loved Me, He Loved Me Not and cry together. At least that's what my pessimistic thinking goes to.
 
It's too confusing to know the real truth, but I love myself enough to have blocked you temporarily, and I may even love myself enough to not reply to your texts.
 
You gladly ignored me all this year, and I can ignore you too.
 
I'm terrified knowing that maybe in this lifetime, I won't get the love I deserved.
 
But I still will give myself compassion and patience even if everyone is screaming at me to move on.
 
I've genuinely tried, and I'm tired of lying to men who don't deserve the same heartbreak Josh did to me.
 
I deserve peace, and that peace will only be made alone.