Grief

I almost forgot that you were gone until I woke up and realized that I was now grown.  
Your face, smile, all of your features were there.  
I would’ve bet my life on that.  
And there I was nothin but a child again racing to give you the biggest hug that I could make.  
I would have never imagined that I would be sitting here dumbfounded.  
Lead not to our own understanding, those are the words those men wrote in the Bible as they went about their day, reciting potential scriptures that they wanted to include in the Bible.  
God doesn’t make any mistakes are the words that I would hear on a regular basis as I attempted to understand why the world was the way that it was…or rather is.  
Although it depends on who you ask  
Supposedly there are between 5 to 7 stages of grief.  
And if this is true then tell me what stage that I am currently at.  
Because at this point I really am trying to understand the math.  
Why was he taken while the ones who took him out was able to live a little while longer?  
Did your angels come down and bring him peace as he laid on the ground watering the street?  
Did he cry out your name? And if so did you answer?  
At any point of time did you feel that maybe you might just allow him to recover?  
It’s been 10 years and now I am once again grieving the loss of the one person that I thought that I could live without.  
I’m waking up every morning looking at this man’s features, walking around in his steps, looking through his eyes and producing his smiles and laughing his laughs.  
And I am supposed to not wonder why he is not around?  
I didn’t care that he wasn’t always there  
I didn’t care that every time I called I did not get an answer  
I didn’t care that he was an imperfect person and he was flawed in more ways than one  
I didn’t care that he missed birthdays, and cookouts, or give me that opportunity to play baseball or football  
You choose him for me  
You allowed me to accept him into my life  
And you took him from me before I was even ready to step into manhood…why?  
I’m sittin here, a whole grown ass man  
Fighting back tears for someone who was in and out of my life  
I’m crying real tears for the ones who will never have that opportunity to experience their first real disagreement, that look on that persons face when they look into the faces of the blessings that you bestowed upon them  
In this month 9 years ago I sat on a telephone creating plans that you knew that I would not ever have the opportunity to experience…  
Just like that the story had ended.  
I will never be able to describe this pain  
And walk around and pretend like I don’t have it weighing on my heart  
You cannot tell me that you don’t see me struggling to breathe through this rage that is flowing through my veins  
Not one person in their right mind can tell me that I cannot possibly be grieving to this day.  
For my 19th year around the sun I had the opportunity to experience the one loss that I never thought I would ever experience  
You took the only real superhero away from me before I knew that I needed saving  
And brought him back to me in a dream  
Please help me to understand why I can’t stop grieving?  
Help me find that peace that lies between sanity and insanity  
That calmness that you find in the eye of the storm  
You may have made us in your image  
But you sure as hell made sure that we knew exactly how it felt to hurt.