Journal Entry - In Search of My Soul

Is this the rest of my life? A dark numbness punctuated by moments of pleasure. There's something about sharing my bed with another that fills the void inside me, if only for a short time. The laughter, the warmth, the sheer vitality of their living, breathing bodies is medicine for my spirit.

I crave touch, connection. To feel another's skin against mine, to breathe in a man's scent, to exist in the same space and share our souls! In those moments, I can almost forget the gnawing emptiness that haunts me when I'm alone. It’s the closest to contentment I’ve known.

But what if my body is just going through the motions, but my soul isn't really there? Am I only a shell? I want to believe that my soul is still in there somewhere, that it hasn't been completely numbed by all the crap I've put into my body.

To lose myself in the flesh of another, to swim in that sea of sensation and connection, it's the closest thing to enough I've found in this world. But deep down, I know it's just an escape. I've got to find a way to make that "enough" last, to find a purpose beyond mere pleasures. For my sake, for Ava, my child. I've got to try.