brenda

in my dark hours I keep a diary of sin
days I squanered, on days I regret
with thoughts that haunt, while I try to escape to sleep
lying there with a private cinema
replaying pivatol moments

so many mistakes along the way
with pitfalls I feel I should have avoided
my faded flowers memories of brighter days
before I learned how brutal the world could be
sheltered as a little girl
I wasn't prepared for the realities of life

too eager to experience things
I wish I had more focus as a youth
so bright of mind, it seems I should have been better equipped

too young I found the boys intriguing
with sexual endeavors
my body a new and blossoming rose
my beauty a mystery to me

I didnt know how to command it
self esteem issues didn't allow me to see beauty
languishing in the awkward years
oppurtunites missed I slip into the dark world

finding beings I didn't know existed
I was fascinated, I always wanted to experience things first hand
it was the eighties and I was a teen on my own
my first aprtment complex seemed nice enough
but I soon found our it was full of partyers

people with no real direction in life
people who had never known anything different
I fell in with them I was very depressed
and the world of drugs was tempting

cocaine took away my depression for awhile
and all I had to do to get it was look pretty at partys
I was so young to be in so deep
soon the dealer was pressuring to go out with him
but I wasn't attracted to him
it was awkward to say the least

the neighbor men had girlfriends
but they would often sneak to my house trying to get sex
I never engaged with the men there
I didn't want a reputation

why I chose Jim I'll never know
a Native American he was just the wolf I was looking for
to guide me through the seediness of life
an adventure I will never forget

to be continued...