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Shadow of my Past Memoir Part 2
Note: I’m trying to add as many scenes as possible so that I can let it all out and so that I’ll know what to subtract later. Sorry in advance that this is not in chapters.
Here’s the plot to follow along: A girl named Alia ends up in an inescapable place with a mysterious masked man. There are three rooms: a bathroom, Alia’s room, and the masked man’s room, which is locked from the outside. She eventually finds out that she’s in that place because she’s not over a guy named Jason and because an old man tricked her into going a machine that would both go back in time and alter her personality to fit whatever Jason would fall for. The masked man and Alia get close and almost date until he is revealed to be a Jason robot that malfunctions. She attempts suicide with a gun but doesn’t succeed because the gun is a fake. Banging on the door of the masked man’s room, she is greeted by Jason Robot2. They get very intimate, and he later shows her what’s beyond that door. The inner world there is filled with Jason robots, equipment required to shoot music videos and record songs, and more. There, she becomes a YouTube music artist. In between of all this, she somehow strings together the story of the before, the during, and the after of what happened between Jason and her.
1. Strangely being reminded of my father scene (Warning: Another Sexual Harassment Scene)
In the hot tub at The Woodlands Country Club sat me and a man across from me. Letting the heat relax my skin and bones, I was alone with him. And we started talking.
Finally, someone here would talk to me!
We discussed all kinds of things, the only real thing I remembered talking about were my stories and the burden of children. He complained about how you can’t have sex as often when having kids. He had a few of his own. Poor man.
Eventually, we left the hot tub and go into the ice-cold pool, something my old teachers back in junior or high school would warn us not to do too often. We sat on the ledge, cooling down the heat built up in our bodies.
But things weren’t exactly cooling down. They were just heating up.
I let him massage my back. He did it over and over in a circular motion, barely touching the tip of my butt crack, digging into my striped navy blue and white bikini bottom.
We then sat on the very first step to the pool, and that’s when it happened- his hand on my leg.
I shook my head, telling him kindly to stop. He apologized.
And then, he did it again. I pleaded for him to stop in a quiet manner, one that knew not how to react at all. A second after that, I told him I had to go.
“You sure you don’t want to go to the hotel with me?”
I left there, feeling so dejected. The one person who would talk with me here turned out to be such a creep.
I thought deeply about telling someone there before leaving, but being a person taught to keep things silent, I didn’t. I’m sure there was a person there working the bar area, but at the time, I didn’t know if what he did to me was such a big deal.
Either way, as I entered the parking lot, I threw up in the grass the same way Diana in my story, Free would throw up when she had a flashback of her father’s sexual abuse towards her.
Because this man reminded me so much of my own dad.
Couldn’t explain it. Something definitely didn’t feel right. In all those years, after J left, nothing ever did.
Because just like Diana would metaphorically see Darryl in the mirror, I’d see J.
I’d see the broken person he was. By this point, in Fall 2018, I was him.
2. Finally “Seeing” Him Again scene
Around 2017, perhaps May, I saw him again.
And no, I don’t mean “saw” as in we hung out and talked. I meant that on one lonely night filled with my need to picture fantasies between him and I in the amphitheater’s parking lot, I happened to pass by Green Lot where I’m pretty sure he was. He was sitting by himself near the building, looking like life had drained him completely.
I stupidly interpreted this to mean he missed me. But I’m sure that was far from the truth.
I actually had the audacity to drive inside that parking lot to make sure it was him. There was a black and white motorcycle parked there in our usual parking spaces as workers. Couldn’t even remember if that was the exact color of it, but the curiosity and wonder grew in me like one of those huge Piranha Plants you’d see in Mario games. Except I wasn’t there to bite.
Round 1.
Round 2 came after I went near home. I came back on Timberloch to make sure it was him because seeing him in of itself invigorated me unlike the months before. He was walking with another employee in his work uniform which involved the regular work shirt and the long tan pants he always wore. God, I think he probably saw me too
Then, I made a U-turn twice just to see him for the last time before retiring for the night.
As if I could ever sleep though.
Yes, you heard me all right. Technically, I stalked him.
And now, looking back, I feel so embarrassed and ashamed to the point of extreme disappointment in myself. I had no self-control when it came to him. He was the only man I ever felt this way about.
This overly giddy, fan girl thing… Like Katy Perry sang, “You make me feel like a teenage dream.”
In this sense, I’m glad I never knew where he lived!
But I know I was glad to see him, the man who turned my world upside down over and over again. The man of mystery and darkness yet of light and joy.
He was all I ever wanted.
A fantasy that never quite turned into reality.
An undying love for a love that never even existed.
3. Weird Doctor scene
At Memorial Herman, there he was- the hottest doctor ever to exist. From across my room into another room with what appeared to a more “perfected” version of my mother- black, shiny hair with a muffin top yet with better looking tennis-like clothes.
The curtain was mostly closed, so I couldn’t see them fully, but I kept looking. Because anyone who looked and sounded like J caught my attention. He had that white long coat, that black hair that shined like the moon, those black Dickie pants that fit his sexy little ass, and he had a way sexier voice than your typical villain. Something that didn’t quite say, “Welcome to the dark side. We have cookies,” but didn’t quite say, “I’m a saint in disguise” either. Think Shadow from the Sonic series meets Scar from The Lion King. That kind of nonchalant tone of voice that would make every single moment feel like the greatest sex scene there ever was.
Just hearing his voice alone sent me on a head trip. My heart, mind, and soul turned into mush.
Of course, with my delusional thinking, I thought it was J in disguise. Because I kid you not- no one in this mortal world has the voice he does. That voice that made Hell sound like Heaven.
The way I interpreted was that this impostor doctor was manipulating her into a slow death. On the hospital bed lied her sick, disoriented husband. Then came other hospital beds stacking on top of that one. Like coffins of dead people.
What the fuck was I seeing? Had this been a part of my overactive imagination, or was this real?
I was supposed to see a doctor, but he never came.
Not to even ask me the routine questions. Not to even look at me into the eyes with his mischievous ones, so that I could feel alive again.
I was high on a drug called J. And no number of antipsychotics could get me off it.
4. The Ending Scene
“Hey Jason, it's me Alia, your old co-worker from the Pavilion. Just messaging you briefly to make amends and to tell you that I'm doing much better. This doesn't mean that I'm expecting you to get back in my life or anything. Just want to apologize for reacting defensively when you asked me how I was doing. Even though the delusions that come with my mental illness weren't present at the time, I still was not in as good of a place. But like I said, I'm in a much better place now. And want to let you know that I'm letting go of you, despite my love for you. And because I may always love you, I do want to also let you know that I want the best for you. I'm also very sorry that I let things get out of hand after you left and probably will forever be sorry. I can understand if you never forgive me.
But I hope you do only for your sake, not mine.
And I thank you for being in my life, even if it was for a short time. It's taught me a lot, and I'm finally learning to love myself for the first time in my life.
It's a very hard journey, but I'm learning every day.
I hope you get everything you want out of this life and more.
Thanks again.”
Apparently, this was what my carefully crafted text after I dared to say the words, “I let go” on January 7th, 2021.
And apparently, there was hardship after that even. As expected.
But I just know that like my new mantra for YouTube channel cover suggests, I am no longer Forever Heartbroken.
Instead, I am Forever Loved.
By me.
5. Crying in the car scene
In Yellow Lot, our meeting spot as parking attendants, I stayed inside my car this time. Fresh tears truly flowing for the first time. Couldn’t even manage to get out. Just continued to cry until I had no tears left.
Unintentionally, I think I recorded my crying during the song that always will stay inside the confines of the dysfunctional familiarity that J was to me- One Dance by Drake. Will always be that tune playing inside the back of my mind, rehashing the ghost of who he was before all this happened; before that amphitheater became shrouded by the darkness that blinded me.
To hear my deep cries of heartbreak on my phone’s recording with that song playing in the background added to the blackness of my soul. It haunted me.
I don’t know if it was that same day or not, but I knew I spilled my guts to Adrianna, a co-worker who knew J. Surprised to hear my professed love for the man at first as we were walking to Orange Lot, she said his name as a question. But as we made it Orange Lot and settled there, she reassured me that it will all work out. She even mimicked his double thumbs up he’d flick at me to emphasize his distaste for the fakeness of people, I believe. Of course, it made me giggle.
But given my track record with plenty of men, I had that sinking feeling.
That it’d never work out the way I’d want it to in the end.
In the end, he’d just be another man who wouldn’t chase after me.
Had been so close with this one though yet so far.
A wasted investment. A deadness now reeking inside my heart that never stopped.
It never stopped.
6. Impending Black Hole scene
Some time after this happened, in the darkest year of my life- 2016, I’d drive aimlessly all over the Woodlands, letting the music drown out my sorrows.
I remember about four instances of my driving around that time. One involved a paramedic casually passing through, an instant reminder of J’s eventual profession as an EMT. Not only did it suit him well, but it was sexy as hell.
A second involved me driving the Ford Expedition to a far part of I-45 North with that Rock a Bye Baby pop song on the radio setting the tone of the kind of unsolvable sadness. I may have come home that night, admitting to my mom that I couldn’t do this. That was all I said. I didn’t say I couldn’t do this life. I said I couldn’t do “this.” To that, she suggested going to a mental hospital, but I wasn’t about to go to that fucking place. Being trapped without a cell phone and access to the outside world and all of its pleasures sounded like a total waste of time. Been there, done that. I thought nothing could help me now.
A third sealed the deal- driving along the ramp leading to Lake Woodlands Dr, deeply envisioning my Angel Light Rose idealized persona laughing with J. Particularly after J had remarked about how the sales lady in the mattress store thought we were married. I would remark to him that we’d have cute little half Mexican babies, or something of that sort. It was probably a less insane remark that didn’t suggest too much emotional attachment to him. But who knows what the hell that was now?
I could feel the moment though, while drifting in and out of the heavenly alternative reality. I could feel his unknown response, just the security of him falling for me. Loving me back for the normalized version of me- whatever could have made him stay. Not for the one confined by mental illness.
Dreaded by hopelessness because no matter how “real” it could feel in my head, it wasn’t.
A fourth time driving like this was along Oak Ridge Road late at night, feeling the vortex of darkness suck me deeper and deeper into oblivion. Deeper and deeper into an unknown place like this one. The kiss of death. My world opening up into the black abyss.
Where the scariest monsters out of my subconscious and conscious kill, steal, and destroy.
7. Alia and Jason Robot2 get intimate
Banging on the door, echoing my desperate cries, I have someone this time come to my rescue.
Let’s call him Jason Robot2.
His serious, plump lips stand out to me below his pitch black, tight, spider man-like mask.
He speaks first through my flowing tears. “I know I’m not the real thing, but,” he said, walking to gently touch my arm, “I’m close enough, aren’t I?”
As he touches my left arm, I notice that my arm suddenly feels healed. From all of the years of touch-starvation.
I know already that this is going to be different as he kisses me. I freeze at the first and second kiss, but the others melt away my nervousness. He also kisses my tears, stifling them.
Getting into it, I pin him against the door as I make out with him. Like I always wanted to do with the real Jason.
I peel his mask off, fingering through his tight, curly locks, my thin lips fitting into his thicker ones just right. Like a pair of really sexy short shorts.
Then, the really fun part begins. My greedy hands make their way towards his boner protruding through his dark pants. It was begging me to play with it.
Kissing him again and again, I unzip his pants and undo the button, pulling them down. Only the boxers stand as a barrier. I take off his shirt, and he takes off my dress, revealing my naked body.
As we continue to kiss, I reach down again, feeling his package, knowing I hit the jackpot with the size. Not too big, not too small. Makes for a perfect delivery.
Getting my pussy as close to his dick, I finally pull down the final barrier. Allowing it to drop to the floor.
That’s when we both lost it.
Caressing each other with our kisses. Not just on our lips but everywhere else too. And feeling each other everywhere- let’s not forget that. Despite him being a robot, his body was warm like a human’s. Warm and tangible. Even his dick. Especially his dick.
And his moan- damn. I enjoyed every minute of him submitting to immense pleasure.
It is pretty much everything I’d always imagine it to be in my head, except this is real. This is real.
As he pulls out the bed from the couch, I watch his body move so gracefully. The way his perfectly shaped dick would dangle, the way his legs and arms would stretch out.
My sight is glued to that body so much that I almost don’t recognize his voice as he says, “All done.” That mischievous smile inviting me to the bed.
We lose ourselves on top of those covers. Oral sex transitioning into the real thing.
“Condom?” I ask, so in the moment that my voice trails easily.
He laughs in the way Jason always would, making my heart melt again and again. “I’m a robot. I’m not going to get you pregnant.”
By then, I was ready for him to go inside in more ways than one. Inside the deep, darkness of my soul, lightening it, making it sunshine.
With each thrust he does, I feel as though my spirit slams into my body, together becoming one again. Like finally, I can breathe. Our tongues interlock. Now, I can be in the moment. And enjoy every second of it.
He kisses my neck several times too, intensifying this meaningful sensation.
I don’t want this to end, but I cum quickly, and he does too soon after, that stream flowing inside of me. Feeling each pulsation shock my body.
As we finish, I lie there with him for a moment, in an immense relaxed state like I was high or something. My whole body and soul totally satisfied yet craving more.
We wash up in the shower, and I find myself hugging him, saying, “Thank you.”
He lets me hug him and says with a kiss on my forehead, “No need to thank me. I wanted to.”
We stand there in the warm water hitting our bodies, just in each other’s arms the same way we do when we get out and into the bed, underneath the covers.
He runs his fingers through my hair, and I simply stare into his dark eyes, the ones looking so beautiful behind those glasses. The ones I want to stare into forever.
“How were you created?” I ask out of curiosity.
“The man who creates machines to trick people created me. He created this whole realm.”
“He created you? Where is this place exactly?”
‘Yes. This place is outside of time and space. Outside of reality.”
“Outside of reality? What do you mean? I’m dead?”
“No, but you’re not on Earth.”
“Where am I then?”
“You’re living in an alternate reality. An alternate reality that isn’t of your choosing but one that is a manifestation of both your torments and desires. You desire to be with Jason, so here I am in robotic form. You’ll never be with the original, but you can be with me until the day you die.”
“The day I die? That means there’s no way out of here right?” I ask out of plain curiosity rather than complete dismay.
“There is a way. However, you have to come back here since your so-called loved ones don’t remember you, and you have nowhere to stay,” he says.
“So, what is there to do here? Besides loving you, of course.”
“Refining yourself as a writer and music artist,” he says, no longer running his fingers through my hair.
“As a music artist? What?”
“Yes, as one of those. Trust me, you’ll love what we have in store for you,” he says, smirking.
“Who’s we?”
“Other Jason robots like me. That’s who you live with now. We are your family now, especially me.” He kisses me on the lips slowly, passionately. I kiss back, throwing my naked body on top of his, dick and pussy meeting for the second time.
Hugging my arms around his neck, I tell him, “In a large way, I’m glad that this isn’t a dream.”
“Me too,” he whispers.
We lie there in silence for a while, just feeling each other’s bodies, just content being in each other’s presence.
No need to talk to enjoy each other. No need for explanation or begging.
I really am on top of a functioning Jason equivalent. That was way better than Darryl from my story, Free. Or anything that I could have thought up in my mind.
But I do ask just to be clear: “You’re not going to malfunction?”
“I’m not going anywhere,” he says, his smile warming my heart.
8. Better explanation of Alia’s world scene
“This inner world you’re in now reflects your deepest inner state of subconsciousness. All your primal desires playing out on themselves. Because you chose to go to that man for help on going back in time and changing your life altogether, you ultimately created this world for yourself. Full of us,” he says, his hand indirectly pointing to all the Jason robots around us. “You know you’re thinking of Jason when you’re with someone in the outside world, so in here, you have me always. This world represents what you may never find out there again. You can always find someone in the outside world if you so wish, but you can always come back here when no man satisfies you. It’ll be our little secret. No one will ever really know who I am and what I represent to you. No one will know that we’re fucking behind closed doors or if it’s all just for show.”
“I can do that,” I say, stepping forward, grabbing both of his hands.
“You can do whatever you want to me too. Anything you’d like.”
I smirk. “Is that what all those costumes in the closet are for?”
He smirks back. Naughty smile. “You’d be correct on that. You may not realize it, but you are Angel Light Rose. You are the perfected version of Sarah. While you’re in here, confined, she is still out there, free to live how she pleases. You and she are disjointed yet still connected. As one.”
9. Banging on the door, echoing my desperate cries, I have someone this time come to my rescue.
Let’s call him Jason Robot2.
His serious, plump lips stand out to me below his pitch black, tight, spider man-like mask.
He speaks first through my flowing tears. “I know I’m not the real thing, but,” he said, walking to gently touch my arm, “I’m close enough, aren’t I?”
As he touches my left arm, I notice that my arm suddenly feels healed. From all of the years of touch-starvation.
I know already that this is going to be different as he kisses me, but as he does, the real Jason’s words of abandonment poison my mind to its very core. To the point where my body feels like its shutting down sexually and spiritually. Just like Jason Robot1.
“We can’t,” I muster, resigning myself to that blue couch, my back edging against the couch’s left arm, arms crossed. Barely holding myself together.
Looking down at the other side of the couch, where he sits, I can’t even look at him. I can’t face him.
“Why can’t we?” he asks.
I shake my head, more tears managing to slip down my face. “Because you remind me too much, too much of him.”
“But I’m not him,” he reassures me. “I’m enough of who he is to make you feel something the way no man on Earth has made you feel. But I’m not him.”
“And that’s why I can’t,” I say, tears drying, there physically but gone emotionally.
“I just wanted to let you know that you have that option here though. I want you to feel something again, Alia. I don’t want you to carry this pain anymore.”
“I can’t. I just can’t,” I said, hugging my knees tightly, closing in on myself. “I’m too ugly.”
“Alia…you’re fucking beautiful. I don’t know what you see, but whatever it is an illusion.”
His words, each one, cracks my emotionless expression, making me tremble inside until I dare make a sound. I cover up my crying face.
“Why are you even here?!” I protest. “Please, I just want to leave this place! Can’t I just leave?”
“I’m here for you, to make you feel less alone in this world. You felt deep despair. You came to that man to go back in time to see Jason again, but you and I both know that’s not possible. So, here I am, in robotic form. That man created me for you, to give you an extra option when no earthly man can satisfy you. You can leave this place technically, but no one remembers you, so there’s nowhere for you to go. This is your home now.”
I shake my head, revealing my teary cheeks. “What is this place?”
“This inner world you’re in now reflects your deepest inner state of subconsciousness. All your primal desires playing out on themselves. Because you chose to go to that man for help on going back in time and changing your life altogether, you ultimately created this world for yourself. Full of us,” he says, his hand indirectly pointing to all the Jason robots around us. “You know you’re thinking of Jason when you’re with someone in the outside world, so in here, you have me always. This world represents what you may never find out there again. You can always find someone in the outside world if you so wish, but you can always come back here when no man satisfies you. It’ll be our little secret. No one will ever really know who I am and what I represent to you. No one will know that we’re fucking behind closed doors or if it’s all just for show.”
“I can do that,” I say, stepping forward, grabbing both of his hands.
“You can do whatever you want to me too. Anything you’d like.”
I smirk. “Is that what all those costumes in the closet are for?”
He smirks back. Naughty smile. “You’d be correct on that. You may not realize it, but you are Angel Light Rose. You are the perfected version of Sarah. While you’re in here, confined, she is still out there, free to live how she pleases. You and she are disjointed yet still connected. As one.”
Here’s the plot to follow along: A girl named Alia ends up in an inescapable place with a mysterious masked man. There are three rooms: a bathroom, Alia’s room, and the masked man’s room, which is locked from the outside. She eventually finds out that she’s in that place because she’s not over a guy named Jason and because an old man tricked her into going a machine that would both go back in time and alter her personality to fit whatever Jason would fall for. The masked man and Alia get close and almost date until he is revealed to be a Jason robot that malfunctions. She attempts suicide with a gun but doesn’t succeed because the gun is a fake. Banging on the door of the masked man’s room, she is greeted by Jason Robot2. They get very intimate, and he later shows her what’s beyond that door. The inner world there is filled with Jason robots, equipment required to shoot music videos and record songs, and more. There, she becomes a YouTube music artist. In between of all this, she somehow strings together the story of the before, the during, and the after of what happened between Jason and her.
1. Strangely being reminded of my father scene (Warning: Another Sexual Harassment Scene)
In the hot tub at The Woodlands Country Club sat me and a man across from me. Letting the heat relax my skin and bones, I was alone with him. And we started talking.
Finally, someone here would talk to me!
We discussed all kinds of things, the only real thing I remembered talking about were my stories and the burden of children. He complained about how you can’t have sex as often when having kids. He had a few of his own. Poor man.
Eventually, we left the hot tub and go into the ice-cold pool, something my old teachers back in junior or high school would warn us not to do too often. We sat on the ledge, cooling down the heat built up in our bodies.
But things weren’t exactly cooling down. They were just heating up.
I let him massage my back. He did it over and over in a circular motion, barely touching the tip of my butt crack, digging into my striped navy blue and white bikini bottom.
We then sat on the very first step to the pool, and that’s when it happened- his hand on my leg.
I shook my head, telling him kindly to stop. He apologized.
And then, he did it again. I pleaded for him to stop in a quiet manner, one that knew not how to react at all. A second after that, I told him I had to go.
“You sure you don’t want to go to the hotel with me?”
I left there, feeling so dejected. The one person who would talk with me here turned out to be such a creep.
I thought deeply about telling someone there before leaving, but being a person taught to keep things silent, I didn’t. I’m sure there was a person there working the bar area, but at the time, I didn’t know if what he did to me was such a big deal.
Either way, as I entered the parking lot, I threw up in the grass the same way Diana in my story, Free would throw up when she had a flashback of her father’s sexual abuse towards her.
Because this man reminded me so much of my own dad.
Couldn’t explain it. Something definitely didn’t feel right. In all those years, after J left, nothing ever did.
Because just like Diana would metaphorically see Darryl in the mirror, I’d see J.
I’d see the broken person he was. By this point, in Fall 2018, I was him.
2. Finally “Seeing” Him Again scene
Around 2017, perhaps May, I saw him again.
And no, I don’t mean “saw” as in we hung out and talked. I meant that on one lonely night filled with my need to picture fantasies between him and I in the amphitheater’s parking lot, I happened to pass by Green Lot where I’m pretty sure he was. He was sitting by himself near the building, looking like life had drained him completely.
I stupidly interpreted this to mean he missed me. But I’m sure that was far from the truth.
I actually had the audacity to drive inside that parking lot to make sure it was him. There was a black and white motorcycle parked there in our usual parking spaces as workers. Couldn’t even remember if that was the exact color of it, but the curiosity and wonder grew in me like one of those huge Piranha Plants you’d see in Mario games. Except I wasn’t there to bite.
Round 1.
Round 2 came after I went near home. I came back on Timberloch to make sure it was him because seeing him in of itself invigorated me unlike the months before. He was walking with another employee in his work uniform which involved the regular work shirt and the long tan pants he always wore. God, I think he probably saw me too
Then, I made a U-turn twice just to see him for the last time before retiring for the night.
As if I could ever sleep though.
Yes, you heard me all right. Technically, I stalked him.
And now, looking back, I feel so embarrassed and ashamed to the point of extreme disappointment in myself. I had no self-control when it came to him. He was the only man I ever felt this way about.
This overly giddy, fan girl thing… Like Katy Perry sang, “You make me feel like a teenage dream.”
In this sense, I’m glad I never knew where he lived!
But I know I was glad to see him, the man who turned my world upside down over and over again. The man of mystery and darkness yet of light and joy.
He was all I ever wanted.
A fantasy that never quite turned into reality.
An undying love for a love that never even existed.
3. Weird Doctor scene
At Memorial Herman, there he was- the hottest doctor ever to exist. From across my room into another room with what appeared to a more “perfected” version of my mother- black, shiny hair with a muffin top yet with better looking tennis-like clothes.
The curtain was mostly closed, so I couldn’t see them fully, but I kept looking. Because anyone who looked and sounded like J caught my attention. He had that white long coat, that black hair that shined like the moon, those black Dickie pants that fit his sexy little ass, and he had a way sexier voice than your typical villain. Something that didn’t quite say, “Welcome to the dark side. We have cookies,” but didn’t quite say, “I’m a saint in disguise” either. Think Shadow from the Sonic series meets Scar from The Lion King. That kind of nonchalant tone of voice that would make every single moment feel like the greatest sex scene there ever was.
Just hearing his voice alone sent me on a head trip. My heart, mind, and soul turned into mush.
Of course, with my delusional thinking, I thought it was J in disguise. Because I kid you not- no one in this mortal world has the voice he does. That voice that made Hell sound like Heaven.
The way I interpreted was that this impostor doctor was manipulating her into a slow death. On the hospital bed lied her sick, disoriented husband. Then came other hospital beds stacking on top of that one. Like coffins of dead people.
What the fuck was I seeing? Had this been a part of my overactive imagination, or was this real?
I was supposed to see a doctor, but he never came.
Not to even ask me the routine questions. Not to even look at me into the eyes with his mischievous ones, so that I could feel alive again.
I was high on a drug called J. And no number of antipsychotics could get me off it.
4. The Ending Scene
“Hey Jason, it's me Alia, your old co-worker from the Pavilion. Just messaging you briefly to make amends and to tell you that I'm doing much better. This doesn't mean that I'm expecting you to get back in my life or anything. Just want to apologize for reacting defensively when you asked me how I was doing. Even though the delusions that come with my mental illness weren't present at the time, I still was not in as good of a place. But like I said, I'm in a much better place now. And want to let you know that I'm letting go of you, despite my love for you. And because I may always love you, I do want to also let you know that I want the best for you. I'm also very sorry that I let things get out of hand after you left and probably will forever be sorry. I can understand if you never forgive me.
But I hope you do only for your sake, not mine.
And I thank you for being in my life, even if it was for a short time. It's taught me a lot, and I'm finally learning to love myself for the first time in my life.
It's a very hard journey, but I'm learning every day.
I hope you get everything you want out of this life and more.
Thanks again.”
Apparently, this was what my carefully crafted text after I dared to say the words, “I let go” on January 7th, 2021.
And apparently, there was hardship after that even. As expected.
But I just know that like my new mantra for YouTube channel cover suggests, I am no longer Forever Heartbroken.
Instead, I am Forever Loved.
By me.
5. Crying in the car scene
In Yellow Lot, our meeting spot as parking attendants, I stayed inside my car this time. Fresh tears truly flowing for the first time. Couldn’t even manage to get out. Just continued to cry until I had no tears left.
Unintentionally, I think I recorded my crying during the song that always will stay inside the confines of the dysfunctional familiarity that J was to me- One Dance by Drake. Will always be that tune playing inside the back of my mind, rehashing the ghost of who he was before all this happened; before that amphitheater became shrouded by the darkness that blinded me.
To hear my deep cries of heartbreak on my phone’s recording with that song playing in the background added to the blackness of my soul. It haunted me.
I don’t know if it was that same day or not, but I knew I spilled my guts to Adrianna, a co-worker who knew J. Surprised to hear my professed love for the man at first as we were walking to Orange Lot, she said his name as a question. But as we made it Orange Lot and settled there, she reassured me that it will all work out. She even mimicked his double thumbs up he’d flick at me to emphasize his distaste for the fakeness of people, I believe. Of course, it made me giggle.
But given my track record with plenty of men, I had that sinking feeling.
That it’d never work out the way I’d want it to in the end.
In the end, he’d just be another man who wouldn’t chase after me.
Had been so close with this one though yet so far.
A wasted investment. A deadness now reeking inside my heart that never stopped.
It never stopped.
6. Impending Black Hole scene
Some time after this happened, in the darkest year of my life- 2016, I’d drive aimlessly all over the Woodlands, letting the music drown out my sorrows.
I remember about four instances of my driving around that time. One involved a paramedic casually passing through, an instant reminder of J’s eventual profession as an EMT. Not only did it suit him well, but it was sexy as hell.
A second involved me driving the Ford Expedition to a far part of I-45 North with that Rock a Bye Baby pop song on the radio setting the tone of the kind of unsolvable sadness. I may have come home that night, admitting to my mom that I couldn’t do this. That was all I said. I didn’t say I couldn’t do this life. I said I couldn’t do “this.” To that, she suggested going to a mental hospital, but I wasn’t about to go to that fucking place. Being trapped without a cell phone and access to the outside world and all of its pleasures sounded like a total waste of time. Been there, done that. I thought nothing could help me now.
A third sealed the deal- driving along the ramp leading to Lake Woodlands Dr, deeply envisioning my Angel Light Rose idealized persona laughing with J. Particularly after J had remarked about how the sales lady in the mattress store thought we were married. I would remark to him that we’d have cute little half Mexican babies, or something of that sort. It was probably a less insane remark that didn’t suggest too much emotional attachment to him. But who knows what the hell that was now?
I could feel the moment though, while drifting in and out of the heavenly alternative reality. I could feel his unknown response, just the security of him falling for me. Loving me back for the normalized version of me- whatever could have made him stay. Not for the one confined by mental illness.
Dreaded by hopelessness because no matter how “real” it could feel in my head, it wasn’t.
A fourth time driving like this was along Oak Ridge Road late at night, feeling the vortex of darkness suck me deeper and deeper into oblivion. Deeper and deeper into an unknown place like this one. The kiss of death. My world opening up into the black abyss.
Where the scariest monsters out of my subconscious and conscious kill, steal, and destroy.
7. Alia and Jason Robot2 get intimate
Banging on the door, echoing my desperate cries, I have someone this time come to my rescue.
Let’s call him Jason Robot2.
His serious, plump lips stand out to me below his pitch black, tight, spider man-like mask.
He speaks first through my flowing tears. “I know I’m not the real thing, but,” he said, walking to gently touch my arm, “I’m close enough, aren’t I?”
As he touches my left arm, I notice that my arm suddenly feels healed. From all of the years of touch-starvation.
I know already that this is going to be different as he kisses me. I freeze at the first and second kiss, but the others melt away my nervousness. He also kisses my tears, stifling them.
Getting into it, I pin him against the door as I make out with him. Like I always wanted to do with the real Jason.
I peel his mask off, fingering through his tight, curly locks, my thin lips fitting into his thicker ones just right. Like a pair of really sexy short shorts.
Then, the really fun part begins. My greedy hands make their way towards his boner protruding through his dark pants. It was begging me to play with it.
Kissing him again and again, I unzip his pants and undo the button, pulling them down. Only the boxers stand as a barrier. I take off his shirt, and he takes off my dress, revealing my naked body.
As we continue to kiss, I reach down again, feeling his package, knowing I hit the jackpot with the size. Not too big, not too small. Makes for a perfect delivery.
Getting my pussy as close to his dick, I finally pull down the final barrier. Allowing it to drop to the floor.
That’s when we both lost it.
Caressing each other with our kisses. Not just on our lips but everywhere else too. And feeling each other everywhere- let’s not forget that. Despite him being a robot, his body was warm like a human’s. Warm and tangible. Even his dick. Especially his dick.
And his moan- damn. I enjoyed every minute of him submitting to immense pleasure.
It is pretty much everything I’d always imagine it to be in my head, except this is real. This is real.
As he pulls out the bed from the couch, I watch his body move so gracefully. The way his perfectly shaped dick would dangle, the way his legs and arms would stretch out.
My sight is glued to that body so much that I almost don’t recognize his voice as he says, “All done.” That mischievous smile inviting me to the bed.
We lose ourselves on top of those covers. Oral sex transitioning into the real thing.
“Condom?” I ask, so in the moment that my voice trails easily.
He laughs in the way Jason always would, making my heart melt again and again. “I’m a robot. I’m not going to get you pregnant.”
By then, I was ready for him to go inside in more ways than one. Inside the deep, darkness of my soul, lightening it, making it sunshine.
With each thrust he does, I feel as though my spirit slams into my body, together becoming one again. Like finally, I can breathe. Our tongues interlock. Now, I can be in the moment. And enjoy every second of it.
He kisses my neck several times too, intensifying this meaningful sensation.
I don’t want this to end, but I cum quickly, and he does too soon after, that stream flowing inside of me. Feeling each pulsation shock my body.
As we finish, I lie there with him for a moment, in an immense relaxed state like I was high or something. My whole body and soul totally satisfied yet craving more.
We wash up in the shower, and I find myself hugging him, saying, “Thank you.”
He lets me hug him and says with a kiss on my forehead, “No need to thank me. I wanted to.”
We stand there in the warm water hitting our bodies, just in each other’s arms the same way we do when we get out and into the bed, underneath the covers.
He runs his fingers through my hair, and I simply stare into his dark eyes, the ones looking so beautiful behind those glasses. The ones I want to stare into forever.
“How were you created?” I ask out of curiosity.
“The man who creates machines to trick people created me. He created this whole realm.”
“He created you? Where is this place exactly?”
‘Yes. This place is outside of time and space. Outside of reality.”
“Outside of reality? What do you mean? I’m dead?”
“No, but you’re not on Earth.”
“Where am I then?”
“You’re living in an alternate reality. An alternate reality that isn’t of your choosing but one that is a manifestation of both your torments and desires. You desire to be with Jason, so here I am in robotic form. You’ll never be with the original, but you can be with me until the day you die.”
“The day I die? That means there’s no way out of here right?” I ask out of plain curiosity rather than complete dismay.
“There is a way. However, you have to come back here since your so-called loved ones don’t remember you, and you have nowhere to stay,” he says.
“So, what is there to do here? Besides loving you, of course.”
“Refining yourself as a writer and music artist,” he says, no longer running his fingers through my hair.
“As a music artist? What?”
“Yes, as one of those. Trust me, you’ll love what we have in store for you,” he says, smirking.
“Who’s we?”
“Other Jason robots like me. That’s who you live with now. We are your family now, especially me.” He kisses me on the lips slowly, passionately. I kiss back, throwing my naked body on top of his, dick and pussy meeting for the second time.
Hugging my arms around his neck, I tell him, “In a large way, I’m glad that this isn’t a dream.”
“Me too,” he whispers.
We lie there in silence for a while, just feeling each other’s bodies, just content being in each other’s presence.
No need to talk to enjoy each other. No need for explanation or begging.
I really am on top of a functioning Jason equivalent. That was way better than Darryl from my story, Free. Or anything that I could have thought up in my mind.
But I do ask just to be clear: “You’re not going to malfunction?”
“I’m not going anywhere,” he says, his smile warming my heart.
8. Better explanation of Alia’s world scene
“This inner world you’re in now reflects your deepest inner state of subconsciousness. All your primal desires playing out on themselves. Because you chose to go to that man for help on going back in time and changing your life altogether, you ultimately created this world for yourself. Full of us,” he says, his hand indirectly pointing to all the Jason robots around us. “You know you’re thinking of Jason when you’re with someone in the outside world, so in here, you have me always. This world represents what you may never find out there again. You can always find someone in the outside world if you so wish, but you can always come back here when no man satisfies you. It’ll be our little secret. No one will ever really know who I am and what I represent to you. No one will know that we’re fucking behind closed doors or if it’s all just for show.”
“I can do that,” I say, stepping forward, grabbing both of his hands.
“You can do whatever you want to me too. Anything you’d like.”
I smirk. “Is that what all those costumes in the closet are for?”
He smirks back. Naughty smile. “You’d be correct on that. You may not realize it, but you are Angel Light Rose. You are the perfected version of Sarah. While you’re in here, confined, she is still out there, free to live how she pleases. You and she are disjointed yet still connected. As one.”
9. Banging on the door, echoing my desperate cries, I have someone this time come to my rescue.
Let’s call him Jason Robot2.
His serious, plump lips stand out to me below his pitch black, tight, spider man-like mask.
He speaks first through my flowing tears. “I know I’m not the real thing, but,” he said, walking to gently touch my arm, “I’m close enough, aren’t I?”
As he touches my left arm, I notice that my arm suddenly feels healed. From all of the years of touch-starvation.
I know already that this is going to be different as he kisses me, but as he does, the real Jason’s words of abandonment poison my mind to its very core. To the point where my body feels like its shutting down sexually and spiritually. Just like Jason Robot1.
“We can’t,” I muster, resigning myself to that blue couch, my back edging against the couch’s left arm, arms crossed. Barely holding myself together.
Looking down at the other side of the couch, where he sits, I can’t even look at him. I can’t face him.
“Why can’t we?” he asks.
I shake my head, more tears managing to slip down my face. “Because you remind me too much, too much of him.”
“But I’m not him,” he reassures me. “I’m enough of who he is to make you feel something the way no man on Earth has made you feel. But I’m not him.”
“And that’s why I can’t,” I say, tears drying, there physically but gone emotionally.
“I just wanted to let you know that you have that option here though. I want you to feel something again, Alia. I don’t want you to carry this pain anymore.”
“I can’t. I just can’t,” I said, hugging my knees tightly, closing in on myself. “I’m too ugly.”
“Alia…you’re fucking beautiful. I don’t know what you see, but whatever it is an illusion.”
His words, each one, cracks my emotionless expression, making me tremble inside until I dare make a sound. I cover up my crying face.
“Why are you even here?!” I protest. “Please, I just want to leave this place! Can’t I just leave?”
“I’m here for you, to make you feel less alone in this world. You felt deep despair. You came to that man to go back in time to see Jason again, but you and I both know that’s not possible. So, here I am, in robotic form. That man created me for you, to give you an extra option when no earthly man can satisfy you. You can leave this place technically, but no one remembers you, so there’s nowhere for you to go. This is your home now.”
I shake my head, revealing my teary cheeks. “What is this place?”
“This inner world you’re in now reflects your deepest inner state of subconsciousness. All your primal desires playing out on themselves. Because you chose to go to that man for help on going back in time and changing your life altogether, you ultimately created this world for yourself. Full of us,” he says, his hand indirectly pointing to all the Jason robots around us. “You know you’re thinking of Jason when you’re with someone in the outside world, so in here, you have me always. This world represents what you may never find out there again. You can always find someone in the outside world if you so wish, but you can always come back here when no man satisfies you. It’ll be our little secret. No one will ever really know who I am and what I represent to you. No one will know that we’re fucking behind closed doors or if it’s all just for show.”
“I can do that,” I say, stepping forward, grabbing both of his hands.
“You can do whatever you want to me too. Anything you’d like.”
I smirk. “Is that what all those costumes in the closet are for?”
He smirks back. Naughty smile. “You’d be correct on that. You may not realize it, but you are Angel Light Rose. You are the perfected version of Sarah. While you’re in here, confined, she is still out there, free to live how she pleases. You and she are disjointed yet still connected. As one.”
Published 11th Oct 2024
Author's Note
This was originally supposed to be an autofiction memoir. The truth with fictional elements. Just putting down what I already have.
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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12th Oct 2024 1:42am
12th Oct 2024 7:03am
