Why do you feel lost all the time?

 
Why do you feel lost, kid?


Because I got screwed up,
way before I got screwed up here,
because this body never knew
how to say 'Fuck off,' without quaking,
because this body knew violence long before
you came along
and you used your words so very violently.  
Because 'Until you do it with someone else they still have that part of you,'  
is not something you say to a rape victim,
I repeat for the people in the back,
'until you do it with someone else they still have that part of you,'  
is not something you say to a rape victim,
because telling a person whose Mother tried leaving,
quickly and before her time,
throughout their childhood,  
that you'd not stay with someone
who didn't do it
is abusive,  
because when someone says to you
'I am hurt, you hurt me,' your response should not be
'let me know when you've healed,'
because when someone gifts you their 'no,'
it could break their heart
if you respond,
'how about once a month?'
because how does anyone wade this?
  (How do I continue to be chipper,
compassionate, level,  
not only toward you but to anyone?  
How do I?
It's a monster and it lives in my bones.
And some days I don't know how to survive it.)

**And then someone says
they aren't worthy of being considered,  
and I think, it took me so long to get here -

do you not know, can you not see
what believing that narrative did to me,  
can you not hear my history  
in your ear canal? Yes,
I'm living on unchartered ground,
that's why I feel lost all the time.