deepundergroundpoetry.com
In Tatters,Yet Unseen....
Placid teardrops flowing unseen
Unfelt even on my rimy skin
That's when I ripped open my heart
and it made them turn around in glee
Still shackled in stinging clips and wires
I lay there hallucinating, I was free.
They heaved out a repressed sigh of relief
After making sure that I was alive,
Although I couldn't help stiffling a chuckle
when they told me "C'mon, you'll survive!"
Pulling me right out of a rotting slag heap
A ragged doll they thought they could fix
And that to rise up and fly
I was their regular Phoenix
Reviving what was left of my life
In that flailing corpse
They put on an oxygen mask
Wondering" Can she breathe now?".
Gazing in disgust
at the ventilator I was tubed to
I felt like a ballon
they were trying to keep adrift
Sensing the repulsion that had crept in
they impressed upon me
"don't throw it away,life is but a gift"
Wishing me well they were
In my heart of hearts I knew,
But little could they fathom
the depth of my travails.
Fed on sorrow coated candied pills
All I had wanted was incessant sleep
For there was nothing left of my broken wings
That could largely be sinewed or fixed...
Unfelt even on my rimy skin
That's when I ripped open my heart
and it made them turn around in glee
Still shackled in stinging clips and wires
I lay there hallucinating, I was free.
They heaved out a repressed sigh of relief
After making sure that I was alive,
Although I couldn't help stiffling a chuckle
when they told me "C'mon, you'll survive!"
Pulling me right out of a rotting slag heap
A ragged doll they thought they could fix
And that to rise up and fly
I was their regular Phoenix
Reviving what was left of my life
In that flailing corpse
They put on an oxygen mask
Wondering" Can she breathe now?".
Gazing in disgust
at the ventilator I was tubed to
I felt like a ballon
they were trying to keep adrift
Sensing the repulsion that had crept in
they impressed upon me
"don't throw it away,life is but a gift"
Wishing me well they were
In my heart of hearts I knew,
But little could they fathom
the depth of my travails.
Fed on sorrow coated candied pills
All I had wanted was incessant sleep
For there was nothing left of my broken wings
That could largely be sinewed or fixed...
Published 16th May 2012
| Edited 18th May 2012
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
17th May 2012 8:22am
Apologies if this comes off as a harsh crit. I don't mean it that way. I really enjoyed this poem and can see it's great potential. :)
There is a lot of great stuff in here, but ultimately I don't really know what is going on, though I have a vague idea, but it's just that - vague.
This - "That's when I ripped open my heart " - is a bad opening line, because straight up I'm left wondering what you're talking about. In my opinion there needs to be some kind of lead up, even if it's small or subtle. What are you referring to? If you intend to keep that a mystery, it needs a strong opening line.
Visually, this verse jars. Could be better structured.
" Pulling me right out of a rotting slag heap
A ragged doll they thought they could fix,
Didn't occur to them
that to rise from a funeral pyre I was not their regular Phoenix"
"It" is needed at the beginning of line 3, and line 4 needs restructuring, it doesn't make sense, or flow with the rest of the verse.
Also a little more attention to grammar and punctuation wouldn't go astray.
The end verse needs to be broken up
E.g.
"Wishing me well they were
In my heart of hearts I knew
But little could they fathom the depth
of my travails. Fed on a diet
of sorrow-coated candied sleeping pills
All I had wanted was incessant sleep
A deep slumber from which no one would ever
awaken me, for there was nothing left
of my broken wings
That could largely be sinewed or fixed..."
Some extra words in there aren't needed that could be taken out for a bigger hit. It would be broken into two verses or so, or the entire poem could be broken up into more random verses, as this does have a feeling of free verse as opposed to structured rhyme.
Like I said I really enjoyed this. I love the tone and feel of it, the imagery. There are quite a few cliches, but they're easily fixed.
Hope you don't find this too harsh, and that it helps.
Peace, Indie x)
There is a lot of great stuff in here, but ultimately I don't really know what is going on, though I have a vague idea, but it's just that - vague.
This - "That's when I ripped open my heart " - is a bad opening line, because straight up I'm left wondering what you're talking about. In my opinion there needs to be some kind of lead up, even if it's small or subtle. What are you referring to? If you intend to keep that a mystery, it needs a strong opening line.
Visually, this verse jars. Could be better structured.
" Pulling me right out of a rotting slag heap
A ragged doll they thought they could fix,
Didn't occur to them
that to rise from a funeral pyre I was not their regular Phoenix"
"It" is needed at the beginning of line 3, and line 4 needs restructuring, it doesn't make sense, or flow with the rest of the verse.
Also a little more attention to grammar and punctuation wouldn't go astray.
The end verse needs to be broken up
E.g.
"Wishing me well they were
In my heart of hearts I knew
But little could they fathom the depth
of my travails. Fed on a diet
of sorrow-coated candied sleeping pills
All I had wanted was incessant sleep
A deep slumber from which no one would ever
awaken me, for there was nothing left
of my broken wings
That could largely be sinewed or fixed..."
Some extra words in there aren't needed that could be taken out for a bigger hit. It would be broken into two verses or so, or the entire poem could be broken up into more random verses, as this does have a feeling of free verse as opposed to structured rhyme.
Like I said I really enjoyed this. I love the tone and feel of it, the imagery. There are quite a few cliches, but they're easily fixed.
Hope you don't find this too harsh, and that it helps.
Peace, Indie x)
I can't thank you enough for this dear Indie! I seriously wanted someone to honestly critique the stuff I wrote. I have taken note of everything that you've pointed out.Thankyou so much, for it will only help me improve.Looking forward to more comments and suggestions from you.Have a nice day :)
cheers,
Nisha
cheers,
Nisha
