Candice

I love the hard-contempt-desire-admiration-flirty thing you've got here, that's hot.


Candice
 
well she is
a feisty one
a hard nut
with a shell
of titanium
around her
 
She avoids
small talk
strangers
 
eye contact
that is
 
unnecessary
 
minds her
own business

(It was intriguing, but a little stilted.)  

eats alone
sleeps quiet
moves like
a ghost that
does not belong (YES! That's awesome imagery!)
 
I want to kiss her
lick her sadness  (Delicious and tantalizing.)
shoot some madness
 
I want to slap her
out of that daze
 
but the idea of her
cheeks anymore
red repulses me
 
so I stick to just
kissing her lips
choking her
making her
smell my
own melancholy (THAT IS AMAZING, such a soft-hard string of images. Oh yeah.)
 
We are not so alone
see, I want to tell her
and run my tongue
down till
all the bats
fly away and
the stars
crumble in
frozen silverdust
 
(OK, this stanza is so damn powerful that you might want to leave off 'in frozen silverdust' to avoid overkill. You are running your tongue... BIG IMAGE, the bats fly away BIG IMAGE and the stars crumble. BIG IMAGE. Hit it hard, leave it tight. )

I want to give her
a part of me
fulfil her once more
bifurcate her
hand her a bundle
of joy
(And strong vocabulary is always awesome. Especially in this context.)  

But first of all
I hope she tastes
like candy
 
cause the kids
like candy
 
I do
(The ending was awesome. So laid-back and hipster-cool.)

Great poem. Really great.

So this is how you do it without punctuation. It looks like not wearing underpants, freeing, but perhaps not something you're do while wearing a skirt. (That was funnier in my head.)

Betty
 
Thank you really for taking the time.
 
I am still learning. Especially when it  
comes to the punch. Most of the times what
I weave is a tad loose thru which you could
hurtle a cessna. Ninjaesque is what it should  
be. Relentless is the word. Till that moment.
 
You have said all the right things. At the right
places. Honestly I never edit more than once.
Just a little tweak and always leave it to the
reader.  
 
Now this poem is almost complete once you have
given your feedback.(As I had learnt about  
'Communication' in University)
 
Glad you liked the ending. It just occured.
 
And you might be right about the overkill part.
I tend to overdo it most of the times.
 
Glad to have you around.
 
Sumeet
 
 
p.s- Yes. This is it. Bare. Naked. Shaved.
And what a brilliant image that was. Very
potent. I see your point now. Believe me.
 
And hell yeah, that was funny. Thank you
for my first early morning laugh.:)