deepundergroundpoetry.com
Sheila
Sheila
of big olive eyes
long brown tresses
haunts me
day and night
She sits
on my chest
smiling
calling out my name
near yet distant
My mind chases
her voice
always trailing off
by a mere light year
She is cold
and hard
contradiction
in flesh and blood
Her lips make me
want to cry and beg
but she just laughs
that lingering laugh
scorching me slow
an unkind desert storm
Sheila has a
billion dollar heart
priceless innocence
voice of the gods
I always want to
penetrate beyond
all of these and
see her who for
she is deep down
at the very core
but I have learnt
that she studied
psychology and
no soap can undo
her defense mechanism
there are times when
I crave for
her scent
her body
her neck
I want to love her
in my stoic clumsiness
and let her ringing laughter
create that note which
sends the crescendo
farther and farther away
but Sheila is someone
who must have been
a firefighter
some other time 'cause
she still knows business
Published 15th May 2012
| Edited 16th May 2012
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Anonymous
15th May 2012 2:29pm
A lovely character poem reminiscent of Bukowski when he talked about his girlfriends or just passing women he lusted after. For some reason "trailing off by a mere light year" is my favourite expression here. Maybe it's because I've just been watching Star Trek. Sheila is a magical creation who has a touch of mythology about her, as though she's an immortal in human form.
Two things: the dashes are extraneous. They only interrupt the flow. I'm not sure any punctuation (including that last full stop you use) is helpful in a poem which has very short lines and is designed to be read at a fast pace.
Secondly, the last verse is oddly constructed and also extraneous. I wasn't sure if you were saying she was literally a firewoman (in which case that brings too much reality to her mystical character) or using metaphor. "Father and father away" seems like the more appropriate close.
All critique is JMHO. Thanks for the read.
Two things: the dashes are extraneous. They only interrupt the flow. I'm not sure any punctuation (including that last full stop you use) is helpful in a poem which has very short lines and is designed to be read at a fast pace.
Secondly, the last verse is oddly constructed and also extraneous. I wasn't sure if you were saying she was literally a firewoman (in which case that brings too much reality to her mystical character) or using metaphor. "Father and father away" seems like the more appropriate close.
All critique is JMHO. Thanks for the read.
16th May 2012 11:50am
Jack
I was not comfortable myself with the dashes.
Will get rid of those. The last verse was
added much later to be honest. WIll give it
some thought.
Thank you for the feedback.:)
Sumeet
I was not comfortable myself with the dashes.
Will get rid of those. The last verse was
added much later to be honest. WIll give it
some thought.
Thank you for the feedback.:)
Sumeet
