Repress

Right now, it feels as though my jaw is really tight and that my body on the inside is shaking. Doing my best to hold it together. I'm very good at numbing myself. I'm very good at not showing emotion. I'm very good at thinking that any sign of affection and love is weak and nothing more. I understand that this has been the main reason why I struggle to love myself and others. Maybe even why I struggle to function. But I struggle to function for a much, much deeper reason than that.

For every interaction I face, I have to be faced with the question constantly circling in my mind. The question of whether their opinion towards me is truly valid or if they have the best intentions. And more often than not, I do not have the energy to explore such questions. I rather not have to explore them at all.

Isolating is easier. I don't have to hurt anyone, and they do not have to hurt me. If I hurt no one, then I do not have to say that dreaded word I have said all my life. "Sorry." If they don't hurt me, then I don't have to own up to that fact. I don't have to be told or gaslit into thinking I'm "too sensitive."

I can breathe.

Since many people do not know how to deal with me, I in return have nothing left.