At least it's something

As I brace this massive wedge deep inside of me
It grows into a small ache
Swelling in what feels like my lower stomach
But I know that its my cervix
 
At this beer bar, the wooden seats
They are just so unforgiving
They keep me filled to the brim
Heavy pressure lies against my cervix
Like a boot to the neck

But alas it's not barbed wire
Alas this time I'm not in a cage
No short leash commands or punishments if I don't Act in this pathetic way

So What the fuck is wrong with me?
I thought feeling full would help me heal
Being full of something
At least it's something
Even if it's not yours
Even if it's not real

I've never been quite the exhibitionist
Years of codependency and people pleasing kept me away from this
A voyeur of course  
I like to see "other" people happy
And who doesn't like the occasional porn these days?
I'm sure many still rely on it

Not to mention we could use a lesson or two
We are more or less Unsocialized buffoons
We rarely meet enough people to figure anything out
Who we even are!
And what we want!

So here I am now,
alone in this world again  
Due to this massive chasm in our intimate relationship
The most tragic story of them all
I'm not sure I would have picked this way to fall
Trapped in love
Constantly breaking down, only to resurrect, the very same walls!

A caged bird in a mismatched intimate relationship
I'm not sure how to live like this

You don't get to choose how you get what you want
But I begged and I begged
And boy did I get what I wanted!
Down on my knees
I'm rewarded
Suffering, self loathing and
Deprivation

The joke is so on me I guess
I sit here with the most realistic dick I could travel with
Wedged just above my underpants

Just big enough it won't come out
But I'm still wet enough
Inside it moves freely about
Face flush fueled on the discomfort somehow
I made sure to brutalize myself with it before I left
And I made sure to wear tighter underpants under my dress
So it slipping out in public never stood a chance

So What the fuck is wrong with me?
I thought feeling full would help me heal
Being full of something
At least it's something

And here I am now alone in the world
Due to this massive chasm
The most tragic story of them all
I'm not sure I would have picked this way to fall

I miss hoping one day we'd be symbiotic
I miss thinking that was a possibility
Someone bonding with me in such a congruent way

I impaled myself and left the house
With the hopes id feel held and full
Less lonely and strung out
Maybe I could make up for all the times the void between my legs
Longed to be filled
But then I recall I begged to feel like this
Cause this makes me feel like a piece of shit

And as time passes
I grow more in pain and more aware im full of something
I wish it was a good replacement for what I wanted with you
But At least it's something
It's the best I can do