Shooting for the scars

Discusted by my self    
Mirrors make me cringe    
Cant stand my own reflection  
So I left on a binge.  
looking back on my past
wounded by rejection
tempted to end it all
atleast then i won’t be noid
longing for affection yet
Suspended in a void    
sick of fucking waiting
breaking all the rules    
telling myself this time keep pushing
until darkness over takes my view  
I’ve been foolish this far.    
Deceit creeping among shadows,  
bitterness and toxicity  
Leading my way aimlessly through the shallows    
from one extreme to the next
i’m the bane of my existence
reluctant to stop seeking the
path of least resistance
if my body is a vessel
i’d be long since blown.
Trapped in my head in a state all my own
deluted by the realization that this time i might be gone.
The longer I’m here, despair finds me faster.
As if from nowhere, stopping abruptly in place.    
going down with the ship with no way to escape
panic setting in as my breaths abate.
fighting for my life among tumultuous waves
my disasters own wake is
violent and irate.
All sounds are lost
it’s in perpetual darkness that i wander
the atmosphere is thick with sadness; quite somber.
overwhelmed by despair
the clanging is sharp,
unablej to put iinto words what i hear
the screams of the dying muttled with tears
rebounding off the nothingness in my chest that’s  
Getting stronger    
The mistakes I’ve made, I wish make them no longer    
Do they seem smaller?
frightened yet unfazed.
unaffected by the burns
happily setting myself ablaze.  
burning in worthlessness
plunging in the haze
Flames spreading ancross all my surfaces. They Engulf all the cold, swallowing whole all of my purposes.  
Thick black smoke that won’t let me win.
smut covering quickly the lot of my sin, what wasn’t condemned you soon will agree, is concealed by
affliction. a servant of the serpent,  
seductively deceiving all that you see
altering your beliefs, a clever disguise.
Snake like veins covering your eyes
plunging me deep your soul, souring your sweetness, weakening your strength.
main lining speed is a creed I’ve decreed
by the lust of your greed  
or my dust in your spoon  
lust growing until your entirely consumed.
back breaking from the pressure
of constant impending doom
careful not to let sobriety get real close
razor blade trimming away another vital piece of my soul
another dose i suppose,
i draw my heart up in a needle
and bout to blow my fucking pains out
relief splattered all over the walls.