QUESTIONS ?    (8-9-1996; Galveston Island Texas)

 
 
questions  
it s time for action  
last chance  
for my strength and hope  
have already flown  
where is the energy  
to move my good  
out into this much greater  
larger world  around  
and beyond me here  
where i am presently  
puzzling over vehicles  
in which i can either choose  
or not  
to continue using  
my same old shame and fear based  
dysfunctional discretion  
or maybe now at much too long last  
try something else  
all together  
completely different  
something much more spirit driven  
to consciously try setting aside  
letting go of and completely discarding  
all that which no longer serves me  
nor my spiritual growth  
of all that which i now know  
does not belong on my current  
soul mission s life journey s path  
that does not and no longer honors me
nor my life s true  higher purpose s calling
by more openly and freely  
from this moment on  
acknowledging my truth  
through even the sharing of both  
the good and the bad alike  
including all the dark  ugly shadows  
of my life s path  
up to this point where i m now presently at  
through sharing in perhaps even  
shocking honesty at times  
my life s greater sum story  
of wholeness  
in which there are so many  
countless pages  
filled with purged  inner true tales  
of both my innate higher light  
as well as most of the darkest  
black night s of my soul  
of my true whole  
along with too many filled  
with the unresolved  
personal conflicts and confusions  
from all the subversive  
inner and outer rebellions  
of my surprisingly resilient body mind  heart  
spirit and soul  
each at numerous times along the way  
having sought and tried to overthrow  
any and all forms of oppressive  
so called authority affecting me directly  
in hopes of trying to find  
and trying to define  
my own core  spiritual truths  
for me myself  
alone  
perhaps i should set aside  
all those darker pages  
secretly confine them in immobile bundles  
to hide them away from reach and sight  
of other human hands and eyes  
out of trepid shame and fear  
of both possible acceptance  
or possible rejection as well  
each still so terrifyingly alike  
to me at this time  
so fearfully afraid  
of what other s might think or judge  
so perhaps those old fears alone  
are reason and justification enough  
to go ahead and openly share  
and freely reveal it all  
the entire  whole bigger picture  
the dark and the light  
the good and the bad  
all part and parcel of my much greater  
much larger  much broader  
essential true nature  
as a hopeful step towards  
greater self emancipation  
through such an act  
of transcendently higher  
soul liberation  
in my slow  ongoing life long journey  
into and through sharing  
such shameless  deeply personal  
fearless  open honesty  
here  
where at this time  
so much has changed in my life  
through all my personal struggles  
big and small  
where i now once again  
am standing at the crux  
of yet another new crossroads here  
where i m now finally ready and willing  
to let go of and completely give up  
for lack of just the right words  
even more of my self defeating old ways  
in trusting my by now  
barely flickering hopes  
that a better way can still be found  
but regardless of that  
and in any and either case  
i now feel compelled  
at this point tonight  
to make the conscious choice  
to release and share the true light  
of all my far too long well hidden  
fearfully silenced  self imprisoned  
incarcerated  words  
and of all my similarly  too long hidden  
intentionally away from reach or sight  
years and decades of all my  
creatively expressed  spilled artworks as well  
which were quite literally channelled  
subconsciously through  
the collaborative inspiration of spirit  
and my collective life s experience  
for they to me  
at this phase of my present life s  
soul journey s ongoing evolution  education  
seem as long caged birds  
yearning to finally fly freely unfettered  
at so painfully  very long last  
to allow my very soul to soar  
so much higher in joy  
above and beyond all this down here  
in seeking and finding it s  
highest  true dignity  
so as to better be able  
to more fully live and manifestively fulfill  
it s true soul mission s destiny  
here in this 3 d  physical  temporal  
only illusory world  
in which and wherein i realize now  
that all my poetry s countless words  
and all my artwork s lifetime creative spills  
can have no true  nor lasting meaning  
can have  nor serve no deeper  
beneficial purpose at all  
towards the greater good for all  
if i allow them all to continue to lie unseen  unshared  unfelt  unknown to no one but myself alone  
in darkness  just as i have always done  
secretly all hidden away  
for so many lightless decades  
in paper grocery bags and cardboard boxes  
up in the tops of too many dark  musty closets  
to count  
or discreetly hid away  
slid arms length deep  
beneath way too many  
of my many different sleeping beds  
i ve had and so restlessly slept in  
oer all these many now long lapsed years  
and yet here right now this moment  
where i  ve only just now finally come  
to more fully realize  
that if i let them continue to lay unshared  
forgotten and abandoned  
any longer here  
like useless  scattered  
lifeless   fallen feathers  
that would only be and reflectively represent  
a total waste of so much of my life s precious time  
as my remaining  unknown time here  
upon this wondrous  living earth  
continues to ever increasingly  
and undeniably  
now be  
so rapidly running out  
so the time has come at last  
for me to fearlessly and shamelessly  
hold my head high and finally at so very long last  
more fully and freely come out  
for all my many countless  self expressions  
in artworks i ve created  
in my written words s poems  
my thoughts  feelings and dreams  
can have  nor hold any true value  
nor more purposeful  significant meaning  
if they never reach  nor touch  
the eyes  ears  minds and senses  
the hearts  spirits and souls  
of other living human being s eternal souls  
so i have decided here tonight  
to simply  just let it all go  
freely back out into this living universe  
in hopes that something of my truer  wholer  
spirit and soul s and my present still living  
only temporal physical being s  
much greater  transcendent  innate  
higher love  light and eternal life s  
truer  truest  ineffable  sacred truth  
may be more freely shared and resonantly felt  
experienced  learned  and gained  
through it s creatively expressed  
mysteriously channelled  set free flight  
from out of it s recently abandoned darkness  
subconsciously mined and mysteriously gleaned  
from out of the intricate weave  
of it s and my own lifetime s  
long  strange  innermost  experiential journey s  
hopefully now permanently abandoned  
newly forgiven  previous long sunken  
hopeless old darkness s unawakened  
seemingly inescapable  
innermost  outermost  
not truly living at all  
nightmarishly stuck limbo s  
slow death by ten million cuts  
decades long  sustained  prolonged  
perpetually relentless struggles  
of my long wearied  long sickened ghost s  
day s  night s and life s  
seemingly never ending  
timelessly extended  
dark night of my soul s very own  
night of the living dead  
dead man walking s  
necessary life lesson s  
transcendently transformational  
soul mission s journey  
still presently ongoing here  
even at this point in it s and my own  
essential  continued unfoldment  
which presently here now  
in the very least  
may now allow me  
the full release of my free spirited soul s  
open  greater  truth s wholeness  
whose creative birds of my true  inner sight s insights  
may fly more broadly and freely now  
with unsoiled  completely unfettered  
fearlessly joyous wings  
of all healing  all loving light  
to more freely share with any and all  
who are open and ready  
and willing in their hearts  
to filter  take and receive them  
to help uplift and vibrationally quicken  
their own present lifetime s  
deeper spiritual journey s  
transformationally transcendent  
eventual  further awakening s unfoldment  
to hopefully more easily  
more quickly come  
but light out of darkness  
how can that ever be or come  
sounds so impossible  
which is an archaic word  
i so seldom  if ever use anymore  
much even believe in at all  
for the only true answer  
to that question  
and to all other such  
mystifying questions  
can only come in and  through  
the actual conscious act and actions  
of openly and more fully living out  
experientially exploring and discovering  
it s gradual  incremental  
eventual  inevitable  
ever unfolding  full answering  
of that question  
much as is done  like  in and akin to  
the more deeply reflective  
meditative  
clear  simple answering  
of any traditional  old  riddle like  
cryptic sounding  zen buddhist koan  
in which the koan s answer  
so often lies and exists  
covertly hid  quietly within  
the cryptic heart essence  
of the koan s  
deceptively simple  
question itself  
wherein  quite frequently
it increasingly seems
to me here lately
both on and to
a much deeper
philosophical level
and degree
that whatever question
i may be asking myself
at any given moment
just as often as not
surprisingly contains
and is
in and of itself
the answer
which
i seek