"human" stuff & the void

         
         
    I try not to get too hung up on how deep this "human" experience is.... being a "social creature" is a "gift" as well as a curse.... deep down no matter how much you've numbed yourself and "reasured" yourself that to be to self is the absolute best thing that you could ever do-you'll always be at war with the biology of what it means to he "human".... and it sucks....        
         
  it'll literally take some kind of miracle for someone to find a special someone....especially if you've almost always worked better alone than with others-though we need other people at some capacity.... we're all more or less relatable as well as different yet so complicated.... one way or another life makes things difficult overall....        
         
sometimes being "human" sucks.... sometimes "humans" just overall suck as well as this whole existence.... kinda hard to feel any other way....        
         
  we're expected to live by a script, and if we take the path of least resistance-we're outcasted.... observers.... observers observing observers.... life cycle cycling....          
         
I say I don't belong here for many reasons.... the overall reason being that this "human" experience is overall very shitty.... everywhere outside of "home base" is a potential "battle ground"-"there's no place like-what we call "home" is true to life....        
         
but "home" comes at a cost-human life breathing oxygen comes at a cost; engaging with other human beings more or less comes at a cost.... all the while I think to myself-i didn't even ask for none of this- and.... I honestly wish I were never born....        
         
I genuinely do not like it here.... I tolerate my own existence as well as those around me.... life-or this "human experience " just does that to a "human being"....