LOVE IN MY ARMS (II)-(1976, Poretto Jetty, Galveston Island, Texas; on a dark night of struggling with my being Gay.)

 
   
love in my arms  
here then gone  
so rarely comes  
but when it does  
like some rare moon tide  
and seems to be true and real  
each new time around  
it also seems  
to almost always go away  
as quickly as it comes  
then just a short while later  
after waking from my sleep s  
already forgotten  
meandering dreams  
i got up to begin another new day  
i wrote down those initial  
still lingering thoughts  
stil faintly echoing away in my head  
which softly arose  
as i slowly climbed back up out from  
the rapidly dissipating tailwinds  
of my sleep s final last  
now completely faded away dream  
then a just another short while later  
as sunrise soon brightened  
into new day  
it s clearness only added  
to my ever deepening confusions  
stirred up from the rapidly dissipating  
still lingering  faded tailwind thoughts  
still echoing away in my head  
then later on in the day  
as evening eventually arrived  
after the sun had gone down  
i realized it was only  
a more comfortable  
easier  more invisible disguise  
as down to the beach i felt called  
and so i walked down to it  
just as night s darkness fell upon me  
out at the end of a long  
rock groin jetty  
where i soon succumbed to  
and got myself lost  
in the depths of my heaviest  
deepest  darkest  
soul quandary s  
feelings and thoughts  
as i stared out at the seawall s  
tall street lights high up above me  
so harshly  yet impersonally  
shining their benign  non judgmental  
electric eyed witnessing  
down upon me here  
i was suddenly mesmerized  
by the unexpected  
breathtaking sight and beauty  
of their intricately stunning  
silent beachfront light s  
slitheringly slurred  
kinetically snaking white light s  
far reaching  reflective blurs  
mercurially reflecting    
cast about fifty yards out  
down upon  
and all along  
this late night  empty beach s  
nocturnally darkened shoreline s  
deeply shadowed realm  
further on out across  upon  into  
this nocturnal gulf s primal rushing waves  
dancing wildly just beyond  
this tide swept coastline s  
low tide  dreaming  wet  black sandy shore  
as i stood there like some  
long lost  ancient  broken ghost  
silently plumbing and internally weighing  
the innermost depths  
of my swollen confusions  
my thoughts and feelings  
my anger and self loathing  
my greatest doubts and fears  
of my long  troubled  
earlier adolescent  
pre and post pubescent  
seemingly never ending  
angst ridden  teenage years  
now all the way up to here this night  
where i ve come to now  
hopefully try and deal with  
my most deeply self suppressed  
soul crushing  mental  emotional  
existential darkness s  
most critically overwhelming  
breaking point sense  
of my own now absolute feelings  
of total lost  lonesome  aloneness  
for this last couple  
of desperately painful hours  
while gazing numbly out  
over this late night gulf s  
hypnotically beckoning  
vast  dark water s  
mystical spirit muse s  
continuous  compelling  friendly invitation s  
prolonged  deep siren call to me  
to simply  
come  come  come  
come gently surrender your all  
as i struggled intensely the whole time  
in trying to not so simply decide  
what choice to make  
which way to go  
all while staring out over this living gulf s  
soothingly familiar  relative peace and calm  
wondering and pondering intensely  
more deeply focused  
than ever before  
about my life  
about myself  
and who within them each and both  
i truly am  
for even now tonight  
i truly still  
don t even know  
here anymore  
and what s more  
i even further doubt  
i ever truly have  
so should i laugh  
or should i cry  
face the pain  
or perhaps seek out that quieter peace  
which faintly calls to me here tonight  
patiently awaiting me to heed it s merciful call  
out there in the unfathomable depths  
down beneath me here below  
these dark  mysteriously alluring  
turbulent gulf wave s  
timeless  mystical waters  
or are they now only  
more impatiently awaiting me  
and pressuring me to simply  
just hurry up and decide  
to either heed their call or not  
even as they still  
keep on beckoning me here  
even more loudly now  
to make this easy  
though not really so easy at all  
one last  final  ultimate  
life altering  life changing  life ending decision  
or should i just give up completely  
right now  at long last  here tonight  
or should i face and just quietly    
keep on taking and enduring  
the never ending  torturous pain  
of continuing to struggle in futile vain  
to keep on trying to live my life  
but without ever getting a chance  
to more fully explore  
accept and openly admit  
to myself and this world  
i presently still live in  
just who i truly am  
as a human being  
as an individual person  
as this young  free spirited man i still am  
despite all my currently sustained uncertainty  
teetering so precariously here now  
way out at the end of this dark gulf s  
lonesome  late night  rock groin jetty s  
suddenly symbolic  
stone granite cross road s  
locally convenient  aquatic springboard  
as perhaps the quickest  
much less painful  
much less messy  
last ditch  emergency exit  
watery doorway s  
simple one last step  
one final  deep  sweet breath  
fast track  one way out forever  
as a potential  possibly much easier    
optional solution  
which i could choose  
to consciously use perhaps  
as and in  
a more conscionably doable way  
to more easily accommodate  
facilitate and expedite  
when and if ever needed  
my own free  cheap  
greatest escape  
release and irreversible retreat  
off into the greater unknown  
higher  brighter  
mysterious adventure  
of whatever may  
or may not  
still be left  
of all this  
my so called life  
either with or without  
my possibly  
ever or never getting  
a better fair chance  
of learning  knowing  
freely expressing  
living  loving  
and more fully being  
true to myself  
accepted  respected  
and openly loved  
unconditionally  
in return  
by some other  
kindred enough  
human being  
even if that  
other human being  
if all else fails  
should continue  
and happen to be  
only me  
myself  
alone  
just as i still am  
here now  
out at the end of  
this dark night s  
rock groin  gulf s jetty  
where i came  
and felt called  
by this nocturnal  wild gulf  
to come wrestle with  
my own dark  confused    
long quandaried  lost soul  
where i came here tonight  
to more deeply reflect  
on  over and about  
this too long festering  
unbearably unsustainable  
any longer  
most shameful of secrets  
this heaviest of most devastating  
psychologically crippling  
dark issues in my life  
to try and make  
a final  decisive tough choice  
but where now here at this point s  
emotionally drained end  
my final decision s choice s outcome  
can clearly  yet not so clearly  
be found and seen  
here in my filtered  
though fearfully sorted out  
mixed feelings  thoughts and words  
so loosely expressed  let out  
laid down and out here now  
and even though  
my only main issue and intention  
at hand here tonight  
has still not been quite fully resolved  
as of yet  
where i now  
can only sum up  
and more poetically express  
perhaps  
my still unresolved  
quandaried mind  
body  heart  being  
spirit and soul s  
darkest  most heavy  
ongoing life issue s  
underlying  
overall essence  
with these final  last feelings  
thoughts and words  
   
no love in my arms  
with someone to love  
just love by myself  
with my love  
in my hands  
my heart in the dark  
here all alone  
still yet again  
where understanding  
slips through my fingers  
like sand in night s wind