Dating Profile

Since Facebook is for some reason, packing my news feed full of dating ads, click the box to see who you'll marry, Mia draws your soulmate in 10 minutes, join this over 55 singles website... I said, well, let's just have at it, and write my own dating profile.  Here 'ya go, Facebook:
 
NAME:   Madame
 
AGE:  57  
 
OCCUPATION:  Lab Tech (I've drawn blood from dead people, and I know what your condom contents look like, under a microscope.)
 
ABOUT ME:   I am Betty Crocker with a samurai sword. Jesus is my homie, I am not your mother, and I will not re-home my cats to please you.  
 
WHAT I WANT IN A MAN: I stopped caring if there IS a man in my life or not---change my mind.
 
WHAT I DON'T WANT IN A MAN: If you're a narcissist, still live with your parents, hide behind fake profiles pretending to be famous rockstars or have sex cooties, don't bother responding.
 
INTERESTS AND HOBBIES:  
Dumpster diving
Sarcasm
Writing
Monty Python and other satire
Sarcasm
Shopping in other peoples' houses at estate sales
Warped humor and sarcasm
Painting, reading, as-needed keyboard warrior
 
 
WHAT I WILL BRING TO A RELATIONSHIP:
Brutal honesty
Victorian Era antiques (they come with me--no choice)
Cats
1980's punk & British new wave music
I don't drink but I don't care if you do as long as it isn't your primary hobby.
I might give in and love you, if your balls are bigger than mine
Everything you never knew you wanted, and probably some things you don't
 
 
 
 
(There, that should about do it.)
**Hits "Publish" and waits, grinning in a dark corner**