EXCEPT FOR THIS SONG THE CRICKETS SING  (Jamaica Beach beach house, 10-6-1991; 1st poem I wrote after moving back to TX)

well here i am
returned again
back to the state
i was born in
back home
on my very first night
here in my
tiny little
funky studio apartment
directly beneath my brother s
beach house
which will hopefully only be
my temporary
though at this point
even that remains
profoundly uncertain
to either see or say
present new island abode
after moving back here
to the far west end
of historic galveston island
texas
after living the last ten years
of my life
way out in beautiful
coastal  southern california
after having been told
by my hiv  specialist doctor
that i need to get my
house in order
because i have no more
at best
than six more months
to live
now suddenly
here i am returned
back full circle again
to and upon this little island
i so intimately have known
both deeply loved
and hated at times
all my life
and used to live on
over one now long
though seemingly in retrospect
fleetingly flown by
memory filled
truly golden years decade
of having fully lived
co created
and consciously fulfilled
my very best
free willed
free spirited
adventure packed
bliss filled dream life
into my actual day by day
night by night
manifested reality
but now
here i am
newly returned
once more again tonight
to this my
far from perfect
but most thankfully grateful
apparent new home
where such deep peace
and seemingly empty stillness
fills this external
and internal
night and world
both around and innately
deep within me here tonight
where peace fills
for long minutes
and hours
uninterrupted
all night long  till dawn
except for the near constant
all encompassing
background song
the crickets sing
outside my bedroom windows
outside my little room
which after my ears and mind
finally adapt and get used to
soon enough becomes
an inseparably integral part of
and one with
the deep  zen like stillness
and inner peace
of this my first night here
where there is plenty of silence
to appreciate  to absorb
and hopefully at some point
possibly even help heal with
as it incrementally continues
to comfort and soothe
what little s stil left
of my very long worn out
very tired  yet nonetheless
still living
life force being
even further into settling down
into naturally tuning in
to gradually  to increasingly
somehow eventually re becoming
once again
a viably vital
much more meaningful
creative  functional part
of the greater  collective
magical weave
of this my newly planted
though still profoundly
medically most uncertain
yet ever hopeful  optimistic
sudden  new  so called reality
only just begun
here tonight
where i sit on the edge of my bed
to more deeply reflect upon
all of this and so much more
about and in regards
to the overall  
current status and sum
of my entire life s journey thus far
and the still as yet unknown
potentially even greater possibility s
still not as yet unfolded
ahead and beyond
as i sit here now
still physically and mentally exhausted
and unbelievably overwhelmed
at this late night hour
but nonetheless still feeling
relatively at least
a little bit more secure
here in this self isolated  lonely  little nest
of my tiny white bedroom s
snuggly confining
surrounding  protective
square cube like walls
lit up so brightly inside it s safe hold
here at this late night hour
on this jet black  dark night outside
here in this tiny white room
where i sit
which feels and looks to me now
like a tiny  little space capsule
drifting almost indiscernably
out across and through
the vast  boundless
immeasurable depths
of infinite space beyond
out towards some great  unknown
whispering  cosmic brink
of clearer understanding
though not quite yet nearly reached
with these two uncurtained windows
gaping out at the seemingly endless darkness
pressed up against their glass
so coldly tight and deep
with only two  tiny  distant porch lights
staring remotely back in at me
like two even more distant stars
from out over  across and through
these unknown  surrounding
unseen  though nearby
invisible  nocturnal neighborhood yards
dissolved here into sheer ebony
two black  square  blind eyes
that make and help me
more deeply listen  feel and think
of all the wondrously beautiful
order  unity
mystery  balance and harmony
in and of this greater  ineffable
conscious  living universe
and of all that is
herein  therein and infinitely beyond
disguised as the chaos
we mostly still unawakened humans
still largely tend to see first
in our primal human fear
of darkness
in our deeply rooted  innate fear
of all unknown
in which  perhaps
this is in part
the reason why
our human consciousness
historically and still here even now
has always and still continues
to grow and evolve
ever so painfully
and far too slowly
so little historically
over eons of time at all
for our own individual good
for the greater good
of our species
for all life
and all else that is
for the greater good of all
as a collective  greater whole
and perhaps even more importantly
and urgently
for the even more intangible
greater good
of our presently dying
conscious  living  sacred earth
our one true
most wondrously intangible mother
to whom all our
present live s journeys
are so inseparably
so inter connectedly
hinged and dependent upon
here in this and these
increasingly most desperately critical time s
present  still unfolding now
but for me here tonight
sitting at this moment
here on the edge
of my bed
all alone
sunk third eye deep
though still somewhat cloudy
from my past two days
of physical and mental
cross country absorbed
now road wearied
travel tiredness
here in all these
spontaneously arisen
existential feelings
fears  doubts and thoughts
here in this my new
tiny  white
too brightly lit
blind observatory s
metaphorically sensed
and felt
space capsule like
little room
my sudden new home
for now
writing my filtered feelings
thoughts and insights down
as they arise and come to me
to capture and more deeply reflect upon
sometime later on
and perhaps even
retrospectively
as this constant  sacred now
continues to flowingly unfold
over it s fluidly timeless
though presently unseen
uncertain  unknown
continued
ongoing course s path ahead
to hopefully help me find my way
and to help me learn to better navigate
however many more days
may or may not
still be left for me ahead
in my life s
presently still ongoing
yet still profoundly most uncertain
statistically ill fated
for so long now
profoundly interrupted
present  ongoing
physical journey here
as well my
eternal spirit and soul s
even greater
life journey s
higher spiritual purpose
and mission here
upon and in
this ever mysterious
most essential school
of hard knocks
collectively accrued
experientially attained
true  innermost wisdoms gained
in fulfilling
my true life journey s
much deeper soul mission s
most essentially needed
life and soul lessons learned
of and for the continued
cyclical honing
and higher evolution
of my eternal soul s ongoing
highest potential growth
intentionally
consciously
ever more closely towards
it s and all our potential
fullest divine awakening s
ultimately inevitable
truly ineffable enlightenment s
successful fulfillment
but here in my own present journey s
still challenging meantime  now
where just outside
only inches away
through these two  blind
black eyed window s
nocturnally sightless
space portals
which still nonetheless
through my senses
mind  heart and spirit s
wide openly connected
boundless imagination s
already long awakened
tuned in
inner vision
still help me to better learn
to more deeply
more clearly
intuitively sense  feel and listen
to inwardly reflect
meditate  envision
and more intimately commune with
to more fully live in my truth
to better grow and further evolve
with deeper compassion and humility
in joyful gratitude
wonder  awe
through all of life s
continuous
ongoing filterings
which now seem so easy to see
here in this very moment
while sitting here
in the seemingly vacuous stillness and peace
both inside and outside
this my new  humbly simple
yet hopefully only temporary abode s
tiny  little space like capsule s
blind observatory s
two blind  square  black eyed
nocturnal  sightless windows
for long moments and minutes here
o er this my first night s
late night  wearied hours
where peace fills
uninterrupted
except for this soothingly comforting
continuous song
the crickets sing all night long
till dawn
wherein i now
at long last
am able to somehow
finally let go
of this and all
to slip off
and away
into deep
sweet  peaceful
sleep
through yet another
mysterious turning
of this
my present life journey s
now sufficiently
overfilled
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