thirty-won

is this a birthday,
or the reminder of an impending anniversary?
does it bring to mind that near fatal January day?
are you happy you ultimately stayed?
 
you were 17,  
you had been adopted at 2,
you moved every 4 years,
you were recently diagnosed with bipolar.
 
stability and consistency were long gone concepts,
drugs found you along the way,
loneliness was the only view,
you felt pathetic while your mother wept.
 
you were 20,
you had the girl and lost her,
you dropped out of college,
your parents were constantly in disbelief.
 
drugs still held you,
friends were few and far between,
you looked around and saw nothing new,
it was time to say adieu.
 
well,
nevermind.
what was pathetic in January feels pitiful in July,
you opted to power through.
 
but did you?
 
21
22
23
24
 
a blur,
no one cared about you,
you cared about nothing,
you never planned to be here.
 
you were 25,
dissociation had run its course,
rock bottom was staring you in the face,
you had a choice.
 
you remembered what you chose almost exactly 8 years prior;
you reflected on where that led you,
you regretted the path you took,
you reconnected and chose to fight.
 
you fought for your parents,
you fought for the girl,
past and present,
you fought for a chance.
 
but,
it wasn't enough,
something was missing,
happiness didn't live within.
 
memories of the past and harmful cycles resurfaced,
feelings of being empty and fractured beyond repair permeated the summers,
the cling of fall never withstood the destruction of winter,
the sparring of spring forever ending in dissolution.

4 years had passed;
you had nothing to show but a propensity to perpetuate patterns,
you had experienced nothing but struggle and strife,
self-respect continued to be ever elusive.
 
you were 30,
you were tired,
you wanted different,
you yearned to thrive.
 
July, you said the final goodbye to what once was.
August, you considered all of life's possibilities.
September, you had hope for a future anew.
October, you set out on your own, Cali' sober and maintaining your mental health for the first time ever.
 
November, you questioned reality.
December, you continued forward.
January, you stopped.
the body remembers what the mind tries to forget.
 
mania takes hold,
the feelings of that first January pervade your every thought.
you become moody and isolate yourself,
deliberate damage is all you know.
 
February, you chose different,
 
you chose silence,
you chose introspection,
you chose understanding,
you chose life.
 
there was no sparring this spring,
your only wish this summer is to feel whole.
you were never broken, just left behind by the people who were supposed to pick you up,
and now you have all of the pieces.
 
you are 31.
you are present.
you are at peace.
you are proud.