beyond recognition

 
sometimes there just isn't enough time
it runs out...job unfinished
but gods know we gave it a try
my first experience with Dominance
a delayed revelation
tucked away for later excavation
...
when I could no longer process on my own
he understood...stepping in
throwing me down on the mattress
so incongruously placed
right smack in the middle of what should have held a dining room table
{the only remains of my meager belongings
everything else already in storage}
...
but that last night
when our flesh became kindling
burnt to a crisp with our failed attempts
to settle the wild beast within
my rawness yet remaining
...it's all still vivid in my mind
...
how we savagely screwed for hours
...like there was no tomorrow
both of us keenly aware
no tomorrow was a distinct probability
my nails mapping trails of desperation
clutching at his solidity
his relentless hammering at my shattered sensibilities
trying like hell to fuck the fucked up outta me
unsuccessfully
...
until we lay side by side
pinky fingers linked
because everything else fucking hurt
sprawled like offerings to the gods
sweat cooling in the aftermath
trying to steady our breathing
a pair of worn out climbers who just crested a mountain
only to see another rise up ahead
temporarily defeated
...
after a night at full throttle
collapsed in my drenched bed
{or what passed for one in my transient existence}
both so abraded touch was no longer an option
the burn & ache undiminished between my legs
neither of us able to move
...
& he knew
despite all his best efforts
he hadn't quenched the fire raging in my veins
having nothing at all to do with desire
impossible tasks still require trying
& he'd given his all
...
when morning dawned over our still heaving bodies
I flinched away from its blinding truth
seeking the shelter of his strong embrace
fully aware of what I had to do
he knew it too
...
I wonder which of us had it worse
me walking...terrified...into my fate
or him...watching me walk away




circumstances being what they were, it was years before I could process how powerful his affect was on me & recognize it as a need...control is found in many ways...sometimes it's found in letting  go...the backstory is incidental to this realization...long overdue in acknowledgment