deepundergroundpoetry.com
deep questions with complicatedly simple answers
Someone asked me once, when I was 25, what I wanted out of life. I said adventure and inner peace. It's been 14 years since that question was posed and I don't have an adventurous life, nor is inner peace is anywhere to be found.
These days going to see a movie feels like an adventure. Hell, even coffee at a cafe with a friend would be good. But everyone is too busy, because we're proper adults now, with careers, or kids and other responsibilities. Friendships feel pretty low down on the list of important priorities, though I would prefer it to be closer to the top.
I would love to go for a hike somewhere new, alone or with someone, it doesn't matter, but my right knee doesn't work so great at the moment, and I don't want to end up in the middle of nowhere, in pain, trying to hobble my way back to civilisation.
Last proper adventure I went on involved a hike. It was beautiful. It was hell. I would 100% do it again. I didn't have knee problems then.
Inner peace. What can be said about inner peace? I can't even achieve a modicum of it during meditation. My brain is too hyperactive and chaotic, even on my good days. Most meditations just end with me giving up on trying to focus on my breath because no matter how I try I can't keep my mind still for longer than 3 seconds. I can do that one where you focus on your body parts, starting with your toes, but my mind still wanders off on strange tangents.
Closest thing I've found to inner peace is weed. And it feels wrong that I need a drug to feel at ease inside my own body and brain.
These days though, I only smoke weed occasionally, and only when I feel good, because on the bad days it's a trigger for dark memories. I like to think I know myself well enough that I can smoke weed safely, without it fucking me up. Unlike alcohol, weed doesn't seem to be a problem, though I'm sure I could make it one if I really tried.
My life might not be particularly interesting, but I still think about adventures and inner peace. I wouldn't trade my life, but I also think it's okay to grieve for all the lives I didn't have, all the things I can't have or won't do, because this is the path I chose.
I'm going to a concert in August, and I'm super excited for it. It will be a small adventure. I'm considering dying my hair green again.
These days going to see a movie feels like an adventure. Hell, even coffee at a cafe with a friend would be good. But everyone is too busy, because we're proper adults now, with careers, or kids and other responsibilities. Friendships feel pretty low down on the list of important priorities, though I would prefer it to be closer to the top.
I would love to go for a hike somewhere new, alone or with someone, it doesn't matter, but my right knee doesn't work so great at the moment, and I don't want to end up in the middle of nowhere, in pain, trying to hobble my way back to civilisation.
Last proper adventure I went on involved a hike. It was beautiful. It was hell. I would 100% do it again. I didn't have knee problems then.
Inner peace. What can be said about inner peace? I can't even achieve a modicum of it during meditation. My brain is too hyperactive and chaotic, even on my good days. Most meditations just end with me giving up on trying to focus on my breath because no matter how I try I can't keep my mind still for longer than 3 seconds. I can do that one where you focus on your body parts, starting with your toes, but my mind still wanders off on strange tangents.
Closest thing I've found to inner peace is weed. And it feels wrong that I need a drug to feel at ease inside my own body and brain.
These days though, I only smoke weed occasionally, and only when I feel good, because on the bad days it's a trigger for dark memories. I like to think I know myself well enough that I can smoke weed safely, without it fucking me up. Unlike alcohol, weed doesn't seem to be a problem, though I'm sure I could make it one if I really tried.
My life might not be particularly interesting, but I still think about adventures and inner peace. I wouldn't trade my life, but I also think it's okay to grieve for all the lives I didn't have, all the things I can't have or won't do, because this is the path I chose.
I'm going to a concert in August, and I'm super excited for it. It will be a small adventure. I'm considering dying my hair green again.
Published 12th Jun 2024
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 3
reading list entries 0
comments 5
reads 185
Commenting Preference:
The author is looking for friendly feedback.
12th Jun 2024 1:49am
Hang in there, Indie. Most people that write in DUP probably have more in common than you think. As far as alone time, to write, to contemplate, etc.
There's always little demons hanging on our shoulders, but it gets easier to ignore them as you get older.
Be glad for peace, free of too many mistakes that those bastard demons whisper to us.
You're going to be okay. You'll see.
There's always little demons hanging on our shoulders, but it gets easier to ignore them as you get older.
Be glad for peace, free of too many mistakes that those bastard demons whisper to us.
You're going to be okay. You'll see.
12th Jun 2024 1:52am
Thank you, Styxian. That helped. I actually think most people live relatively unexciting lives, but it's the little things that make it interesting.
12th Jun 2024 1:55am
12th Jun 2024 1:15pm
I can see you in green hair standing out for the drones overhead!
To me you are a spring chicken, though I totally understand where you are. At your age ( mid-30's ) I was mothering and wifing for others with barely time for myself between work, t-ball, dance, gymnastics, basketball, dinner, laundry, house, grocery shopping, and so forth. Life felt so mundane because my friends were just as busy work and family-ing.
But it does get better, and time is passing quicker than it seems. You'll only recognize it once it's gone.
Here in my 60's I am content to spend time at home relaxing in my garden with a nice cup of tea and go out to the occasional restaurant with family and/or friends.
To me you are a spring chicken, though I totally understand where you are. At your age ( mid-30's ) I was mothering and wifing for others with barely time for myself between work, t-ball, dance, gymnastics, basketball, dinner, laundry, house, grocery shopping, and so forth. Life felt so mundane because my friends were just as busy work and family-ing.
But it does get better, and time is passing quicker than it seems. You'll only recognize it once it's gone.
Here in my 60's I am content to spend time at home relaxing in my garden with a nice cup of tea and go out to the occasional restaurant with family and/or friends.
13th Jun 2024 1:21am
Lol, my brain feels young, my body not so much these days (late 30s). I know life is all ebb and flow. Nothing every really stays the same. It just feels that way sometimes.
