Peppermint Chewing Gum

He met me at the corner of filth & sleaze
He asked me for some money
I said no, he began to sneeze

His breath was atrocious, smelling of death & rum
I offered him a stick of peppermint chewing gum

He said no, I'm allergic to that stuff
I said, oh really?
I said goodbye, I had enough

He began to follow me, not sure why
Followed me to my car
Tried to get in on the passenger side

His smell and clothing was beyond profane
I decided to open the trunk
Pulled out a fistful of chains

Wrapped them around my hand
He knew what would happen next
Told him to get the fuck out of the car
He looked at me, quite perplexed

I became a good citizen
I ejected him out of the car
Kicked him in the ribs a few times
He yelled out that he was seeing stars

I said great, then I won't smack you with these chains
Instead I got behind the wheel
Ran him over, squashing his brains

After I did this I felt bad and said a few words
Left a stick of chewing gum where his mouth once was
As I drove away, I noticed a handful of birds

The next day I drove to the crime scene
Was curious if he was still there
Vermin devoured his face,
Leaving behind strands of his hair

I was quite happy, I began to drive away
The next time any dirty fucker comes near me
I'll drive them to this abandoned alleyway