Headspaces

 
(Thoughts of an inverted Virgin)

On my trip in Finland in a cafe I met a girl who invited me to her place. She had a developed athletic body, a boyish figure, and hardly any breasts. I felt attracted to her. As I went to her place she was wearing boys pyjamas. I liked that detail. It must have been that I would often have boyish characters when I masturbated that attracted me to her. We talked for a while, then I went besides her and we began kissing. Slowly I removed her clothes one by one but on the process I couldn't finish inside her. I was unable to play the man's part.

I went to her place the next day anyhow. I kind of felt attracted by her. We began lovemaking on the bathroom this time. Kissing and touching as hot water ran through our bodies. I had not had expectations but it felt nice and warm and I came. This was the first time I had an intercourse.

I went on on several occasions before leaving Finland but even though I was attracted by this girl I never really enjoyed the act and as soon it was over I had the desire to turn my back. Since then I have an intercourse with girls but it is always an effort and leaves a feeling of repulsion. I have come to the conclusion that for me sex is just a form of masturbation and nothing else.

(Inspired by confessions on Havelock Ellis, Studies in the psychology of sex, volume 5)