there's tears in my coffee and it only makes me more anxious

I'm gonna pretend  
there isn't kiddo vomit  
on my only heavy blanket
spot check  
scrub  
let it go  
cause I won't make it  
to the laundromat today  
and I haven't got around  
to buying a new winter heater  
though the cold is starting  
to keep me up at night  
 
I can already tell  
it's going to be a day  
of too many tears  
a day of anger  
and resentment  
a day my voice gets so loud  
no one can be around me  
without covering their ears  
and telling me to calm down  
though those words  
are more likely to make me  
punch a wall  
than get a positive reaction  
 
Today I'm broken  
I'm toxic  
and if you stay away  
I will fucking hate you for it
because I need a straight-jacket  
of cuddles  
but my crazy only makes you  
want to close the door in my face  
though the last thing I need  
is to be left alone  
with my rage  
 
So instead I'm gonna pretend  
there isn't kiddo vomit  
on my only heavy blanket
or that I'm fucking cold  
and want someone else  
to be the primary parent today  
 
I'm gonna pretend  
that I don't envy the kiddo's ability  
to find comfort  
in the fort we built  
like a magic fucking wonderland  
filled with toys and cartoons  
and childhood happiness  
 
I'm gonna pretend  
I'm not counting down the hours  
until you get home  
so I can yell at you  
before asking for a hug  
dosing myself with valium  
and passing out
leaving you  
to pick up the pieces  
of my chaos  
again