self medicating

I'm one Valium down
got a joint saved for later

Spent forty minutes
watching porn
trying to make myself cum
so wet
so empty
so disconnected
flicking through videos
trying to find someone
to watch that's not faking it
cause I know what it looks like
to see a woman enjoying herself
and the only thing I'm enjoying
is the slick heat between my legs
though it's not getting me anywhere yet

I'm two Valium down
got a joint for later
passing out to sex songs
in my Spotify playlist
cause I want to ride
the post-cum high
as far as it can go
though it never lasts long enough
and I hate it when I'm horny depressed

It's 11am
and I'll regret this sleep later
but I'm loving the way
this half-oblivion feels

The Valium in my bag
is calling to me
while we do a late lunch
and she cries
into her sushi
while I just wanna break the world
between this edging panic attack
and her breaking heart
that I have nothing to do with
I'm just an easy ear
and her pain feels like
my unresolved trauma
that I'm not whole enough
to deal with today

I don't pop anymore pills
but fuck I want to
I've still got a joint
saved for later

it's 7pm and I'm thinking
I should find an AA meeting
but I'm running out of time
and the minutes slip away

I'm in the kitchen
waiting for dinner
to hurry the fuck up
and be ready already
and all I can think about
in smoking a joint
and pushing his hands
down the front of my skirt
while he presses all of him
against my ass
cause I'm tired and aching
and I wanna scream in the best way
before the night claims us
and reality hits in the morning
with me staring down a bottle of pills
telling myself "don't self medicate"