deepundergroundpoetry.com
Underdog (Revised)
A man of law
I aspired to be
Worship me a hero
"I Serve JUSTICE"
But as i grow
I learned, discovered
How despicable the "law" is.
Self interest hypocrisy
I dismissed this false justice
A gray sheep in a black barn
proclaim to be white
Without a goal, I lost my drive
Diminished reason to read and write
Scored a four lack of one
a five might land me with a goody goody bunch
Sent to a class,
Full of wretched vile
Parents tell their kids,
to bully so not to be bullied
and likewise does mine
A vicious cycle, I disincline
Loathe the time and the grind
Can't stand it, I jumped the ship
Found an outlet in film and arts
fictitious world, fanciful poems
Motivated to read and write
To create, covey a world of my own
But a tad late, I'm always late
Bad in language, bad in math
No paper to prove my depth
stuck with the hour wage of six fifty
struggling to move a limb in society,
that dismisses my act as an irrationality.
I'm lower than a dog in society's eyes
No point in grieving
I've become as nonchalant like a cat
Ignoring it all
Still dreaming for one day finding empathy
----------------------------------------------
Revised version after taking advice from Indie
I aspired to be
Worship me a hero
"I Serve JUSTICE"
But as i grow
I learned, discovered
How despicable the "law" is.
Self interest hypocrisy
I dismissed this false justice
A gray sheep in a black barn
proclaim to be white
Without a goal, I lost my drive
Diminished reason to read and write
Scored a four lack of one
a five might land me with a goody goody bunch
Sent to a class,
Full of wretched vile
Parents tell their kids,
to bully so not to be bullied
and likewise does mine
A vicious cycle, I disincline
Loathe the time and the grind
Can't stand it, I jumped the ship
Found an outlet in film and arts
fictitious world, fanciful poems
Motivated to read and write
To create, covey a world of my own
But a tad late, I'm always late
Bad in language, bad in math
No paper to prove my depth
stuck with the hour wage of six fifty
struggling to move a limb in society,
that dismisses my act as an irrationality.
I'm lower than a dog in society's eyes
No point in grieving
I've become as nonchalant like a cat
Ignoring it all
Still dreaming for one day finding empathy
----------------------------------------------
Revised version after taking advice from Indie
Published 7th May 2012
| Edited 13th May 2012
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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comments 3
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
7th May 2012 10:48am
First up, I like this poem. It has great potential to be something special. I hope this crit isn't too harsh, it's not a reflection on you as a person.
There is a lot of information here. A lot could be cut out to make it harder hitting.
There is also a lot of telling, as opposed to showing. A reader doesn't want a list of what you're doing, they want to see/feel what you are trying to express.
Verse 1: "a man of law I aspire to be"
Why did you aspire to be a man of law?
How did that feel?
What happened?
Maybe expand on that.
Verse 2: Again use feelings, as I feel that this is meant to be an emotional poem.
Expand a little on the ideas in there.
Use one and four instead of one and four, it's more professional.
Verse 3: This could be cut out completely, it does nothing for the poem. Though the money struggle could be tied into verse to, in some way.
Verse 4: Needs some rewording.
eg. I'm lower than a dog in society's eyes
No point in grieving
I've become as nonchalant as a cat
Ignoring it all
Secretly dreaming of a compassionate hand
Again, I apologise if this seems harsh. There is a lot of great stuff here, it just needs to be tightened up.
Peace, Indie
There is a lot of information here. A lot could be cut out to make it harder hitting.
There is also a lot of telling, as opposed to showing. A reader doesn't want a list of what you're doing, they want to see/feel what you are trying to express.
Verse 1: "a man of law I aspire to be"
Why did you aspire to be a man of law?
How did that feel?
What happened?
Maybe expand on that.
Verse 2: Again use feelings, as I feel that this is meant to be an emotional poem.
Expand a little on the ideas in there.
Use one and four instead of one and four, it's more professional.
Verse 3: This could be cut out completely, it does nothing for the poem. Though the money struggle could be tied into verse to, in some way.
Verse 4: Needs some rewording.
eg. I'm lower than a dog in society's eyes
No point in grieving
I've become as nonchalant as a cat
Ignoring it all
Secretly dreaming of a compassionate hand
Again, I apologise if this seems harsh. There is a lot of great stuff here, it just needs to be tightened up.
Peace, Indie
7th May 2012 10:57am
Should've consulted you before showing it.
Will take in your advice and correct them, thanks alot.
Will take in your advice and correct them, thanks alot.
7th May 2012 11:01am
We all take chances with comp entries, often we don't have time to perfect them, and they're written in a rush. It's okay. We write, we post, we hopefully get honest feedback from people who read it.
