blood and nothingness

My uterus is on its way out
I bleed too heavy
throw up from the pain
can't stand up straight
without painkillers
that barely numb
the all encompassing agony
that some months
makes me want to commit
self-surgery
just so I don't have to feel this way

We've been trying
for a baby for a few months now
and every month the blood comes
to say no, you didn't get
what you wanted this time

I've carried two children
beautiful accidents
and one miscarriage
that left me more broken
than I could have imagined

And now that we know
that time is running out
on how much more my mind
and body can take
from the way endometriosis
upends my life
every twenty-something days
peri-menopause
on the horizon
with the dream of another child
just blood in my hands
again this month