the fight (my story)

TW: DV and SA references    
   
We are never less    
than who we're meant to be    
when there is something in our veins  
changing the chemistry    
in our brains    
   
It's been 12 years for me  
since I gave up the chase    
for highs    
that left me so low    
I thought I'd be better off dead    
   
I remember lying on the wet grass    
in my parents back yard    
in the rain    
realising I wanted to live    
if only I could figure out how    
   
Cause no one can show you    
how hard it is to get sober  
   
And truth be told  
I'd be lying if I said I don't miss it all  
(that wild feeling I had)  
   
But I don't miss the pain    
between every fall  
between every broken memory  
I somehow wish I'd been unconscious for  
though I know that would have been    
so much worse    
   
I don't miss that girl at the bus stop    
asking me not to throw up    
on her shoes    
I don't miss falling into hedges    
or falling up stairs    
or wondering whose bed I was in    
trying to figure out    
how I got there    
in between the black outs    
   
I don't miss every bad lover    
I promised never to crawl back to    
but somehow I was in her bed again    
hating the way she made feel so high  
in the midnight hours    
and so low when I was confronted    
with her boyfriend in the morning    
   
I don't miss being a ragdoll in his arms  
unable to fight the way he held me down    
I don't miss screaming in his face    
as I walked out the door    
knowing, knowing I'd be back    
because he was the only one I knew  
who had the drugs    
   
I still remember being so so stoned  
looking in the mirror  
and not knowing the face    
looking back at me  
hands on the glass    
unable to connect    
with the girl who let men break her    
and the one who knew    
she deserved something    
more than this    
   
It took wanting to die    
a suicide planned    
lying on wet grass in the rain    
after another drunken fight  
with someone I loved  
thinking about what it would mean    
to leave my daughter behind    
that I found the spark to live    
   
But it's never as simple as that