I’m glad this wasn’t

I love you endlessly
I wish I could have made you feel it

Instead of the loneliness I left you in

When you decided to tell me your heart had already made up it’s mind and I think you gave me a last ditch effort to make me feel better

But it didn’t make me feel better I feel worse knowing I was trying for nothing

But maybe I wasn’t trying for nothing

Maybe I wasn’t trying maybe I’m making up stories
I’m not sure what I can believe from my brain anymore I know I’m sick

And shitty

Really really shitty.
I really wish I could believe there was hope for a far future for us but to know you two have each other in this sadness is a loneliness I wish I didn’t have to acknowledge, maybe that’s why I never thought I could fully trust you two with myself

Whether I became self destructive or self sabotaged or you left on your own accord I knew I’d be alone
And you two would have each other

Maybe I’m just really sick and making up excuses to why I was selfish with myself when you both tried to show love unconditionally and I think I tried too but I can’t trust myself to remember it right


The same way you can’t trust me to be truthful I feel the same way about myself sometimes.

There’s to many maybes

There’s way too many maybes.

I wish we hadn’t ended on so many maybes.

I wish we could be friends but to be friends means I have to see the way you two love each other as beautiful as it is

I know my heart can’t handle that when I so badly want to be in the mix.

I dream of the far future, where there weren’t so many maybes

Where I wasn’t so shitty

Where I didn’t leave you in the same loneliness I put myself in.

It’ll always be a dream

There’s half a second inbetween awareness and still asleep where it feels real


As a consequence I realize the bed is empty.