deepundergroundpoetry.com

I am

I am an alcoholic † † †
I am an addict † † †
In every possible way † † †
I do not know how to live in moderation, I binge and abuse anything and everything † † †  
I do not know how to breathe in moderation, my therapist said thatís a panic attack. † † †
† † †  
I buy a bag or bottle/ whatever is available Iím not picky, it ends up being 8 grams in 3 days, 8 bottle in 3 days † † †  
†I crash my car † † †  
†I avoid getting a dui † † †  
I wake up wanting to go to rehab but never go to rehab itís Fatherís Day next week and it would break his heart my mom says so I continue to be active in my addiction and then I get married † † †  
still think Iím an alcoholic but no one in their 20s wants to be around sobriety † † †
I beg people to say it for me † † †
† † †  
†I get everything besides the phrase Iím so desperately looking for yet terrified to hear † † †
ďSocial alcoholicĒ † † †
ďAlcoholic tendenciesĒ † † †
ďYou just need to switch what you drinkĒ † † †
ďItís not every time, so youíre not an alcoholicĒ † † †
† † †  
† † †  
I have a miscarriage † † †  
I couldnít count the bottles of wine on my fingers and toes plus yours and the next ten people if I tried † † †
†I get divorced † †
† †
My sickness is so lucky, I have enablers for parents  
They donít see how sick I can be/they made it camouflage so theyíre comfortable † †
† † †  
I drink behind everyoneís back while everyone begs me to be open † † †
†I pretend Iím sober but itís blinding how drunk I always am † † †  
I am begging for helping while simultaneously pretending i donít need it † † †  
† † †  
My mother says ďyou canít give up everything you worked so hard for, I donít think rehab is the right stepĒ. † † †
† †
While giving the statement that Iím 7 days sober, my brain reminds me of the stash Iíve created in my closet. † †  
I add another resentment † † †  
I restart my collection of people in an attempt to slow down the bottles † † †  
† † †  
† † †  
On my due date I crash my car into a rock truck, my head should be caved in  
Somehow instead †I end up in jail, Iím disgustingly drunk flirting with the intake cop, I fucking smile in my mug shot. † † †
† † †  
Hurt people hurt people and I am so good at multitasking, I break my own heart and everyone elseís at the same time † † †
† † †  
I wonít give them the chance to break mine † † †
† † †  
† † †  
Finally †sober enough to remember her number, on the phone with my mom she says ďmaybe you should stop drinkingĒ the amount of defeat in her voice is drowning but all I can think about is the empty well inside of me. † † †
How I canít live with it empty but filling it is exhausting, it seems to not have a bottom † † †  
ď I donít want to stop drinkingĒ I say, on a recorded line; sitting in a black and white striped set that I was so generously given; I didnít stop. I did coke behind your back, I popped pills, I snorted everything I could crush and I put shit in my alcohol that just floats to the top. † † †  
† † †  
Iím the alcoholic who doesnít care if it tastes bad, Iím going to chug it. Who wastes alcohol anyways? † † †  
Iím the alcoholic who is sick and still drinking wine from the bottle. † † †
Iím the alcoholic who doesnít care that itís always a mystery what Iím being given † †  
Iím the alcoholic who wakes up shaking filled with anxiety till I pour vodka in my cofffee. † † †
Iím the alcoholic. † † †  
Iím the alcoholic † † †  
Iím the well † † †
Iím the empty abyss, I fill myself with anything and everything I can get
Written by Anxiety
Published | Edited 23rd Sep 2023
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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