overdosing on the stairs

sixteen years old  
and beautiful     
straight off the farm      
the wood stove      
the outhouse      
left behind for      
the big city.      
     
     
meets a handsome      
marine in gorgeous      
dress blues who     
comes home with her      
into the kitchen      
standing up      
resisting      
     
pushed up against      
the kitchen sink      
by my biological      
father who after      
the planting of      
winter wheat      
     
after the      
obligatory cigarette      
and the half-hearted leaving      
of an address      
designed to confuse      
he was gone      
gone to recount his latest      
wham bam thank you ma'am      
to his pals      
     
while she cleaned up      
the mess      
and said nothing      
to anyone      
for shame      
     
when it could no longer      
be hidden      
she took a massive dose      
of quinine      
     
and when      
that didn't work      
threw herself down      
a flight of stairs      
     
in my mind i see her      
do all this      
the retching      
and the desperate leap      
     
and my heart      
rushes after her trying to grasp her hand      
even as her humiliation  
pushes her off to fly  
     
from what must have seemed    
a twelve-story leap from a    
ledge of desperation      
into the chasm      
of nothing gonna work      
and gave it up      
     
because...six months later      
here I am.      
     
sorry, mama.