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Piccadilly Pam
Piccadilly Pam,
Works in a cafe ,serving spam,
And beans,to builders in green vests,
All tattooed necks,and hairy chests.
She wakes at five a.m,each morning.
Leaves her work shy husband snoring.
She`s at the end of her long tether,
After thirty years together
She leaves for Piccadilly station,
Where the guards are all impatiently,
Coralling sleepy travellers,
Shop workers,bank managers.
Beauticians caked in make up.
Tired school children,yet to wake up.
Coppers in siZe thirteen boots.
Salesmen in bright ,shiny suits.
They`ll all come sample Pams delights,
Full English,pot of tea,fried slice.
Cheesey baked potatoes,
Served with,smutty innuendoes.
As she stands there,at the counter,
She`s adjusting the amount her
Blouse ,will show to all her customers.
Proud of how well this bust of hers is known.
Works in a cafe ,serving spam,
And beans,to builders in green vests,
All tattooed necks,and hairy chests.
She wakes at five a.m,each morning.
Leaves her work shy husband snoring.
She`s at the end of her long tether,
After thirty years together
She leaves for Piccadilly station,
Where the guards are all impatiently,
Coralling sleepy travellers,
Shop workers,bank managers.
Beauticians caked in make up.
Tired school children,yet to wake up.
Coppers in siZe thirteen boots.
Salesmen in bright ,shiny suits.
They`ll all come sample Pams delights,
Full English,pot of tea,fried slice.
Cheesey baked potatoes,
Served with,smutty innuendoes.
As she stands there,at the counter,
She`s adjusting the amount her
Blouse ,will show to all her customers.
Proud of how well this bust of hers is known.
Published 20th Feb 2010
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22nd Jul 2010 3:40am
an odd cliche
but i really love the flow of your poem.
lines like the two below;
As she stands there,at the counter,
She`s adjusting the amount her
it feels rappy but doesn't fail the readers capability of allowing a natural flow not to be noticed (as it does with rap)
i love some of the internals.
again the next two lines feel M and M'ish;
Beauticians caked in make up.
Tired school children,yet to wake up.
but it works so well at leading us through the lines.
some commas don't seem to work for me
after cafe L2 and if it did it shouldn't have a space between it and the word.
L3 after beans
L5 should be A.M. no comma after it
L14 after children
L16 after bright
L20 after served with
L21 after stands there
L23 after blouse.
you end many lines with a comma and begin with a cap?
if you use grammar use it properly. in poetry we often class the line break as a comma and a
white space between lines as a period. it doesn't have to be so but when you break rules of grammar or poetry it has to look like you're doing it on purpose with the knowledge it's being done.
that said i think it's a really really good poem ;)
it's now in my faves thanks
but i really love the flow of your poem.
lines like the two below;
As she stands there,at the counter,
She`s adjusting the amount her
it feels rappy but doesn't fail the readers capability of allowing a natural flow not to be noticed (as it does with rap)
i love some of the internals.
again the next two lines feel M and M'ish;
Beauticians caked in make up.
Tired school children,yet to wake up.
but it works so well at leading us through the lines.
some commas don't seem to work for me
after cafe L2 and if it did it shouldn't have a space between it and the word.
L3 after beans
L5 should be A.M. no comma after it
L14 after children
L16 after bright
L20 after served with
L21 after stands there
L23 after blouse.
you end many lines with a comma and begin with a cap?
if you use grammar use it properly. in poetry we often class the line break as a comma and a
white space between lines as a period. it doesn't have to be so but when you break rules of grammar or poetry it has to look like you're doing it on purpose with the knowledge it's being done.
that said i think it's a really really good poem ;)
it's now in my faves thanks
Anonymous
14th Nov 2012 1:01pm
Nicely written, could be made into a song maybe or a piece on audio, some adjustments needed maybe but not sure where or how to spice up this tale, good write though!
